tEaRs-dAt-nEvA-cEaSe

2009-06-17T00:31:00.003+08:00

2008-04-22T19:03:00.004+08:00

2008-01-01T17:57:00.000+08:00

SHIFTING BLOG (:

2007-12-16T08:59:00.000+08:00

This blog has moved to

http://tearsdatnevacease.wordpress.com/

RELINK! (:

i duno what am i feeling now

2007-12-12T15:25:00.000+08:00

i am confused, very confused.
why did all the tears come now
why am i feeling so now
i promised to be strong.
i promised.
why cant i keep by this simple promise.
why i cant even face myself
i am hating myself now.

BORED

2007-12-09T18:41:00.000+08:00

i am really BORED........................ :(
cant wait for tmr to start!
i miss teaching those kids,
so cute and lovely.
i am still BBBBOOORRREEEDDD.....................
a busy week ahead
cant wait for it to start................
i cant understand why the tv is so interesting.
just call me to be in front of the tv for two hrs.
i still feel bbbbooorrreeeddd...
lols.

my com internet is down.
so can only use my bro's.
and all the chinese words appear as squares to me.
so irritating.
rah.
i want to do something to my blog,
but cant.
cause my com is down.

talked to sebastian at the roof top ytd.
i guessed you know more than i do.
though i am still thinking,
but still, at least you gave me a direction.
i just do not have the courage to say nor try.
though ths gt pretty awkward at a pt of time,
but i guess i still have to do what i have to do,
if i really want what i want.
like what u said,
the tears that no one will see
the effort which no one will see
if i chose to hide away from the crowd.
it left a pretty deep impression on me.
perhaps a change is necessary,
perhaps i cant insist on it anymore.

to my friends out there,
i am still learning.
still learning.
so give me time and patience pls.

i am not sad or anything larhs (telling XD esp, lols)
just felt enlightened by so many pple these few days.
i guessed it's still a learning period for me.
whee!~
i am looking forward to next week!
lovely kids!

2007-12-07T00:02:00.000+08:00

went shopping with HX and XD today (:
(: (: (:
hahas. smiles!
it was fun shopping with two guys. prom just ended and didnt have any mood to look at any clothes initially.
and finally i ate my Shi Lin Chicken today (: LOVES. okies. but i cant eat sinful food alr. cause of below. lols.
and XD as usual, being the pro fashion designer. hahas.
and HX brought that top that i thought was pretty nice and XD didnt think so =p
then XD wanted to watch the golden compass.
and he decided to treat me. (:
so went to watch golden compass and HX went off to work.
hope HX has a nice time at work (:
anyway, as for golden compass,
it was a pretty nice show larhs.
but it doesnt has an ending!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
as i said, XD purposely chose a show that has part two so that i can treat him for part two! =p
went shopping with XD after watching the golden compass.
just suddenly feel like shopping after watching the movie
and wanted to get the very nice top i tried that day at heeren.
den being the usual fashion designer that XD is,
he brought me to those high end shops. LOLs.
quite fun larhs.
the way he gave me so many many different clothes to try.
and tell me what i shld wear and stuff.
i tried really alot alot alot of clothes.
and we entered HUGO BOSS. and the price is like.............
hahas. but anyway, i managed to eat my GELATO too! (:
and finally we got to zara after we went around and around.

pics!just two though! lols.

the formal top that i like (:

and the very very nice dress! but it was abit big for me. but the smaller size was too small. so XD said that i have to aim to get into the smaller size. which i think is.......... hmmmmm. and we had a pretty hard tym finding the scarf.

but i love the clothes that i tried. but.... i cant get them. that's what i dun like abt gg high end shops. cause i cant buy the clothes after trying. :(

they made me realised how big is this world and how simple minded i was. i am filled with these thoughts. hmmm.

anyway,
thanks HX and XD for making my day!
love ka-jiao-ing them. hahas.
and i still waiting for HY to finish her exams.hmmm.

but there is work tmr :(
nvm. it's fun seeing kids (:
okies. will update abt prom and NUS trip next tym! tada!

他还好吗我多想爱他
那永恒的泪凝固那一句话
也许可能蒸发
是谁的爱啊比泪水坚强
轻声呼唤就让我融化
每一滴雨水演化成我翅膀
向着我爱的人追吧

xuande com!

2007-12-06T23:02:00.000+08:00

using WU XUANDE lappy to blog now.LOLs.he is buying his fries. thought he said that we shldnt eat so sinful food? lols.

anyway, i have alot alot alot of ths to blog abt but work is starting tmr :(
i am dead beat. sighs. i hope i can blog soon. there are so many ths that i want to say. well, when am i not feeling emotional.

till i blogged,
just want to tell HX and XD that thanks for accomapanying me and giving me joy and happiness these few days. u two really made my day (: i hope i did too!

i still love my simple world but i guess there are times when i really need to wake myself up and accept the fact that this world is really not tt simple afterall. still, i am happy that XD, HX and HY are there to enlighten me on these matters (:

am i suited to teach

2007-12-01T20:26:00.000+08:00

i cant believe that i am crying just because of that call
is it that impt
why is it affecting me so much.

i need e assurance so much now
i want to call him so much
but i guess he is too busy now
to bother abt me.

i feel like hiding somewhere outside now
i know i cant cry here.
i dont want my parents to worry further.

i am trying to get to slp
so as to forget all this unhappiness
but i cant i cant
i hate the tears
i want to get out
i need your shoulder
your jokes
your listening ear.
i dont want to be that strong in front of u anymore
i know i am not.

EMO night.

2007-11-30T22:01:00.000+08:00

family day at wild wild wet (:
chalet with those little darlings (:
managed to get a job (:

family day at wild wild wet was fun
in that sense i managed to spend time with my parents.
and see them having fun. (:
though wild wild wet isnt that thrilling >.<
for once, i felt really relaxed (:

chalet with those little darlings (:
Indian Poker was fun.
but some of the punishment is really over.
hahas. but the guys are pretty on.
and poor darren slept on the floor.
i din noe until i woke up.

when i got to know that i got that job
i was relieved.
at least i am really doing what i like now
and felt that life was pretty more or less perfect now.
but perhaps that was just too fast a conclusion.

xuande(or rather nt him only) always says that my post are pretty depressing
but well, somehow i just have nth to blog abt those happy ths which happen
cause i dun like to describe the events one by one
but as for those events which are affecting me
the emotions are stronger i guess.

hmmmm.
he talked to me.
but i just duno how to reply.
i mean really,
if u ever know,
i am not angry at that matter.
but i really really really appreciate that u took the first step.
really appreciate.
there are alot of ths that i wish u all will know
but i just duno how to tell u all.
i cant help to admit tht there are subtle differences this time.
and i dun wish to avoid admitting to this feeling anymore.
but on a positive note,
i still believe that we are able to overcome whatever obstacles that may come along.
i know that u all mean too much to me to let go.
i duno if u all feel the same.
but i guess
well
i just duno what to say.
i cld only say all those to gurls.
to tell u all how i truly feel,
and why ths happen,
why there are misunderstandings
i guess it takes courage to say it out
and i thought i cld talk to u abt it during the chalet
but i guess things just clash and we just cant talk abt it
and perhaps that's fate.
i miss those times.
it's ironic how come we are not happier (or is it just me) when we do not have studies as a burden.
what exactly went wrong.

i am feeling less confident now.
i feel like abandoning what i have done.
i no longer has the confident to say it out.
somehow, i realised we are still that distant afterall.

and xuande will say abt me again.

bad day

2007-11-27T22:34:00.000+08:00

i don't even know if i am pissed or what
but just
somehow i just make myself realise
that all along that feeling is right
we are different
there are subtle differences that could never be iron out
that's it
i give up
i dun wish to talk further
those words which i told you jokingly
it came right from the bottom of my heart
but u just took it so lightly
i see no pt anymore
i feel like a barbie doll
just a disposable object
i am just disappointed

and verena just told me that all long she felt that i am the only child
cause i nv mentioned anyth abt my sibling
i cant help but to realise
yeah that's right
we seldom talk
our world is that different.

getting to know him

2007-11-24T23:04:00.000+08:00

WHEE~ as what carol said, i am very high now. lols. tralalala. i feel like i am in some lala land. hahas. it really feels like a dream. it's like everyth is falling into place and it's a great chance and stuff. but i am still pondering. i mean i duno larhs.

anyway, support singapore2010! hahas. i feel like i am like huiyi. but must support YOG!!! i hope the ideas which i have thought of could work >.< hahas.

lalala. i m really very happy!!!!! whee~~~~~~~~~~

4.1km swim

2007-11-23T22:05:00.000+08:00

it's back to swimming again (:
training (:
i am satisfied and am proud of myself
first intensive training
and i made it through (:
4.1km.
satisfying.

i really wanna get into IVP. but it's pretty difficult. their timings for long dist is pretty fast. pretty hard to cut that much second per lap. but well, even if there isnt any IVP, training hard just rocks.

my legs are so tired from all the shopping.
the guys were really patient to shop with us.
thank you and loves! (:

this is the life i have been waiting for.
yahs.
it feels really good that u dun have to hit the books again.
but i dun really like going out.
it's pretty tiring.

i promised myself that i will look for you after As
but i dun have the courage to make the initiative.
it just feels weird.
ke shi ni dui wo de hao,
wo bu ceng wang diao.

WHEE~

2007-11-20T02:24:00.000+08:00

Whee~ i am blogging late in the night again. it seems that i love to blog in the night. LOLs. but anyway, i wanted to slp in the noon! after the swim at bedok! i love chlorine! and i finally did a 800m swim! like finally since i think nats since i did a long d swim.

there was this guy in front of me who was dd a long d swim. Lols. i was wondering if i shld chiong to catch up with me. LOLs. but well, in the end, i decided that he shall jus pace me. hahas.

then, just when i reached me, da xi gua called me and say got a tuition job and wants to go dwn to tgt. i was like HUH I JUST REACH HM. but well, decided to try it out.

but when i went there, i didnt have the heart to go listen abt the rates larhs. cause to me is like, when u really need me, den we talk abt it.

den there is this lift incident which was really funny. i hoped the person calls me >.<

yeah! i am finally left with ONE MCQ! hahas. LOVES! then i can do loads of ths! i want meet-ups, shopping, training, prepare for prom and also to spend time with the little darlings before they go NS!!!! LAU XIN AN, THE STUPID DOG WAS DRUNK THAT DAY! LOLS. it was really funny! and they tried to cheat my feelings. HUMPH! bleahs!

somehow this is the moment i am waiting for, but why am i not feeling that exactly excited abt it.

bai pao zhi lian

2007-11-15T01:23:00.000+08:00

wagaga. i am in love with a show now. wagaga. it's such a guilt to watch it now. when i still got three papers >.< HELP

and i love the song- beautiful love
i think that the lyrics of tanya's songs have depth. lols.

anyway, i have been thinking alot. there are alot of ths i want to say to alot of pple. HEAR ME PPLE!

hahas. it's the middle of the night and i am pretty high! WHEE.

i want freedom for A's. but on the other hand, i am afraid of the emo moments i will face after A's as life will be pretty empty. aiya. i duno larhs. rah.

everyone is so emo now. makes me emo. but i dun like. hahas. they are all emo-ing over LOVE? i guess. well, A's is gg to be over afterall.

i have been thinking abt.... well. well. alright. snap out of what i am now.

i realised that perhaps i shld have told u what i really felt, why i chose not to talk to u, the many misunderstandings btw us. cause i guess, the feeling is getting stronger and i am afraid that one day i may just hate you because of it.

EMO PPLE. STOP BEING EMO AND MAKE ME EMO. LOLs.

truly a break down.

2007-11-09T03:33:00.000+08:00

finally the break from the many consecutive papers are here.
the countdown begins.
i want to be liberated soon,
but come to think of it, i may not get my liberation after all.

something really bad happened during this period.
but i am glad that everything is over.
at least, i got out of the mudspot.
and grew up intellectually.

thanks esp to the two people who really helped me and listened to me
without you two,
i guess i wouldnt have survived this thing which i deemed as an ordeal to go through.
things have been really tough that time
and no one really understand
except the two of them

was messaging mr loh just nw
what he said kind of made me cry.
i guess i really lacked the word "believe"
i guess i need to really believe in myself sometimes.

i miss the days when mr loh will blow the whistle and we will stand onto the plungeboard and being to jump into the pool and sprint.
i miss the days when mr loh will give us the sets and we will whine abt it and even ask for a discount
i miss the days when mr loh will ask me to go to the room at ite simei to get the clock and equipments out.
i miss the days when mr loh gives us some motivational talk..
i just miss the days when he is our teacher, our coach, our friend.
i miss nationals, i miss the pool, i miss training.

going to have a nice and good swim tmr morning with the year ones (:

and i cant wait for prom night to come. most imptly, it's the days before that we will go shopping for some prom dresses and go wooha over the gowns. lols.
sue, shu, rach tan! dun forget our date to shop tgt. hahas.

and i m pretty curious how the guys will look like.

i miss sue, shu, rachtan, glen, jiehan and ivan.miss the shopping trip that we have after prelims.

jiayou for the rest of the papers people. it's just 10 plus more days to go. (:

MUGGING

2007-10-18T21:35:00.000+08:00

i dont know how some people can mug 24hrs non stop. at least i cant.
i have never felt so saturated before.
not even for olevels i think.
it's really up to the pt of saturation.
my brain really felt like it cant squeeze in any more facts anymore.
just a little bit more and it will threaten to go bonkers and forget everything.
but who am i to provide comfort for my tiny weeny brain.
when alevels is just one week away.
i just have to cont squeezing and squeezing and squeezing. i felt really really dead.
my only escape now is my dreamland.
i cld really felt the happiness once the time to slp comes.
that finally the day is over and i can slp.
but sleeping is a guilt.

perhaps ths are made more difficult when somehow ths took a turn btw ....
i have alot of ths to tell you
just like how you once told me to say ths when i felt not right
but well,
at this critical period
i guess even if i have a really really urgent need to tell u hw i felt abt the ths u did unknowingly
the upcoming A's is more urgent than anything.

i know that i have to stay positive
but somehow i felt like giving in.
i just cant wait for everything to be over.just over and release me.
but well, i wonder if i will be happy when ths are over.
cause it also mean that someths which i have been afraid of is gg to happen soon.

well
the irony of life.
i wonder why am i living.

tralala. why am i blogging

2007-10-11T00:53:00.000+08:00

tralalala. why am i blogging? lols. to show pple that i am not dead. LOLs. i think i am pretty high recently. hahas.

anyway, it is just to leave my blog on a high note larhs.

i am back to what i am and mugging hard for Alevels.
the last lap.
there are times when i am really afraid that i cant make it.
the new syallabus is just too unpredictable that it freaks me off.
but i guess alot of positive self talk for me now.

why must we be the guinea pig
if not, i think mugging will be so much easier.
i am always torn btw dd prelim papers or alevels papers.
and i am drowning in papers (luckily i know how to swim, but it's swimming in water but not paper :P)
and i am gg broke soon from buying things from zap. lols

and to qien, sebastian, dihui, darren and xin an:
mug hard!!! (:

to shoe, sue chee, ivan, glen and jiehan:
though we seldom get to mug in the library like before, just want to say jiayou kaes. loves too (:

alright. i guess i have left my blog on a pretty high note. shall go mug already (:

we are no longer that close

2007-10-04T21:16:00.000+08:00

i thought that things would last for long
but apparently it was all an illusion from the start
perhaps the recent turn of events have caused all these
but i guess some things are better left unsaid
esp at this critical period
i will just try to keep everything in control
even if that means trying to put up a fake front
trying to smile when it's bleeding right inside

anyway, there is something really interesting in shoe's blog which i think it's really true.

you know you are a swimmer when....

If someone asks if you have any siblings and you start listing teammates, you might be a swimmer.

If whenever you hear an electronic beep, and you instinctively jump, you might be a swimmer.

If the phrase "This set with fins" is better than hearing "You just won $1000," you might be a swimmer.

If a friend asks how a certain guy dresses and you reply, "I only see him without his clothes on" you might be a swimmer. [SPEEDOS!!!]

If you have to try on 30 shirts just to find one that fits your shoulders, you might be a female swimmer.

If you have a permanent suit, goggle, and cap tan, you might be a swimmer.

If all you ever do is eat and sleep during school, you might be a swimmer.

If a practice of only 5000 yards sounds like heaven to you, you might be a swimmer.
(That's about 4.5 km)

If you are determined, strong, smart and tough, you might be a swimmer.

If the first thing you look at in a guy is abs, you might be a female (maybe even a male) swimmer.

If you sometimes have trouble walking because you aren't use to it, you might be a swimmer.

If jamming a piece of Styrofoam between your legs is not a kinky sexual activity, you might be a swimmer.

i miss the times when i could vent my anger and unhappiness through training.
i miss the times when i would just go round and round the pool, with no worries
i miss tjc swim team, i miss trainings, i miss nats though it was stressful at a certain pt in time.

it has become a burden

2007-10-03T19:34:00.000+08:00

everything is becoming a burden.
perhaps we shouldnt be what we are initially
if only time can go back
and i will only ask that
dun give me those beautiful memories
cause it's too much to bear

mugging for alevels

2007-09-29T08:52:00.000+08:00

getting the results, knowing where u went wrong, having to study the subjects which u are weak in is not easy.

LEP is driving me to the wall sometimes. why is it making me hate chinese now. i used to love chinese so much. but now, i do not see light at all in studying it. i cannot understand why must they shift the marks for the A, when it is not Singaporean students who are making the mark. it only drives Singaporean students away from taking chinese as a subject. so are we raising the standard of chinese this way?

and sorry guys for ytd. just ignore me when i am studying LEP larhs. i just feel really frustrated when i am studying it. and i meant it abt the apology. though we were kind of playing while i apologise, but yar. i really meant "sorry"

sometimes you just cant help but wonder why did u choose this path. it makes you feel that following what you love and have passion about is definitely wrong. you still have to be practical and see what are the chances of getting that distinction though u know nuts about that subject. you cant follow what you love cause the way the reality just dont allow you to. instead, it makes you hate what you used to have so much passion abt.

as for chem, i know i am whining so much to pple who are not doing as well in it. but yar. sorry. but that is chem. something that i really love and want to do well in it. but apparently, i felt that i always cldnt do well in it. duno for wad reason. but i have alr tried to get all concepts right and stuff. but still, the distinction seems so far. sighs. perhaps it's just not as mechanical as mathematics.

somehow, i realised i tend to be stubborn abt saying the word "sorry". it is only when i felt that i am really in the wrong that i will say that.

guys, do bear with me sometimes. my emotions are pretty much like a roller coaster now. sorry abt everything but i will learn to cope with my emotions.

PRELIMS OVER!

2007-09-22T00:18:00.000+08:00

YEAH. the short-term freedom which i got for now (:

well, felt pretty emo since i got home. hmmm. have been thinking what i have been through for the past one month, since study break started.

to angeline, qien, dihui, sebastian
thank you thank you.
i guessed no amt of thanks can express what i really feel.
but i really thank you four for being there for me whenever i need someone.
you all just know how i feel inside out somehow.

thank you for lending me your shoulder
thank you for all those messages of " are you alright", "cheer up", "dun be so stress" and the list goes on
thank you for calling me everyday, making sure that i am alright, that i am not stress.
thank you for cheering me up when i broke down that day. i din want to break down in front of you two especially. somehow, i just dun want to cry in front of you guys.
thank you for thinking of jokes and more jokes to cheer me up, though u are stress urself.

and the list goes on...
just thank you.
i wldnt know how to smile through this period if not for you four especially
you all just stood by me throughout
these four weeks have been really tough
i guessed it's so much more stress than jct
and i duno what to expect for the next five weeks to come
but i just cant wait for everything to be over.

u all have proved me wrong that though i am the only gal among you all always, you all have tried all means to make me feel comfortable.

esp that day when you made me angry, and told me why you all wanted to make me come out and study with you all. though angry, but i am glad upon knowing the so called "motives" which you all have. thank you for knowing that i need you all to be more sensitive sometimes.

and ANGELINE, GUESS YOU ARE MUGGING HARD FOR PROMOS NOW. JIAYOU OKIES (: YEAH. AFTER OUR A'S, WE WILL GO FOR A CHALET AGAIN BEFORE THE GUYS GO NS. JIAYOU. LOVES AND DUN FALL SICK WHILE MUGGING HARD (: LOVES.

taking abt NS. i guess i will feel so odd when most of the guys go NS :( well, at least dihui dun have to go. LOLs. but i will miss the rest :(

and before the results are out, i am off to enjoy myself! woohoo!

shopping and clubbing with the swimmers tmr!

oh well, i desperately need to go for a swim. put on weight during this prelims period. :(

and went to eat durian at geylang just now. a sinful deed :( hahas. but i am really happy. and dihui and sebas, glad that everything is ok alr (: you two ah. tsk tsk.

living w/o a nice whole slp for the past two weeks have been torturous. :(

STRESS

2007-09-03T19:04:00.000+08:00

I felt as if i cant breathe anymore.
i know that they are always there for me whenever i need emotional support.
but the tears just cant stop coming
i see no light in working so hard.
i am weakened by all the failures that i used to face
i am scared of what i am going to face.
i am tired of mugging
and reading what people are doing now weaken me further.
i know that everyone is facing what i am facing now
it's a matter of how i choose to take it
but i cant seem to take it like what they do
but still
thanks for being there for me and asking me everyday if i am alright
without you all,
i wouldnt know how to smile through this difficult and tough period

the scooby doo is on my study table
reminding me to smile even if the tears come
reminding me each and every word which u all told me
to stay strong...

Bday celebration with Guardian and CCHMS gang

2007-08-25T09:26:00.000+08:00

The Meet-up cum bday celebration with Guardian and the Chung Cheng Gang. :)

went to Guardian house in the noon. his mum cooked fabulous food for me and his friend, nicholas. LOLs. the food was too much larhs. i tried my best to eat everything that i can. >.< and there are so many desserts after the lunch. and the cheesy cheesy mango cake. so cheesy. hahas. it was really cheesy. but quite nice. but well, i dun exactly like cheese cos it's a dairy product >.< i dun like anything that has to do with cows! MOOOMOOO. hahas.

was kind of guilty to make his mum cooked. cause his mum seldom cook larhs. and somemore her birthday fall on the same day as mine!!! hahas. so we celebrated it tgt. thanks for cooking! the lunch was really nice (:

i am not supposed to post pics. >.< but well, i shall post pics of the cheesy cheesy cake.

the cheesy cheesy cake which nicholas got for us. CHEESE!

Due to the cutting of the cake, i couldnt make it in time for huiyi's appointment. yahs. i learnt from this lesson that punctuality is a virtue (: well, i guessed there is always a first time. and this matter bonded us closer tgt, isnt it.

so we decided to settle for a dinner at a jap restaurant at citylink there, so that we can fulfill our secret mission. MUAHAHAHA.

BORED from waiting for a seat for 4 people. >.< so we took pics! as always, with wu xuande as the photographer. LOLs.

Hanxing and Xuande

Huiwen and I ( we were really guilty abt the fact that we made huiyi angry >.<)
and xuande has to add oil to fire. =p

till now, i am really really curious regarding how much the meal costs!! hanxing didnt want to let me see the bill. make me curious. he tore away the receipt right after paying. >.< i din get to keep the receipt. yar. the swimmers know that i keep everything that has sedimental value. LOLs. but the receipt was tore before i cld say anything. and i still duno how much the meal costs. TSK TSK.

so after that, we walked miles and miles to find a nice cake >.< SIGHS. i din noe that cake shops are so limited at city hall.

so we are on our way to our secret destination, our secret mission. LOLs.

cam whoring on the mrt train as we are on our way to fulfill our secret mission. teehee.

the cake! FINALLY!

on the secret bus to the secret place. Xuande as always have to make some funny pose and have some funny shots. LOLs. he is posing with the present he gave me.

Finally we reached the secret place and lighted the cake! teehee.

so where did we go?? hahahas.

we went huiyi's place to apologise to her larhs. (: glad that everything is alright after apologising. the trip to her place is definitely more worthwhile than gg to watch the fireworks. (:
the chung cheng gang, the bonds which hold us tight tgt.

me with the pretty cake at huiyi's place (:

make a wish!

i wish i wish i wish.
anyway, to my dearest chung cheng gang, i miss you all right after we parted!!! i guessed such meet ups are really getting fewer due to each of our own commitments. the secret mission was funny. hahas. anyway, i have a really memorable 18th bday celebration with you all due to the secret mission. hahas. xuande was saying how memorable it is hur.

truly, it is really memorable. catching up at huiyi's place is even more memorable. catching up with each other's lives, crapping, joking around, yeah. that's what chung cheng gang always does. hahas. and not forgetting, taking pics! but well, this tym i guess we din take as much cause huiyi was not there to zi lian with me. hahas.

but anyway, chung cheng gang, thanks for giving me such a memorable birthday. though meetups are really rare sometimes, but in each and everyone's heart, i believe we know where each of us stand. the bond that never break, the bond that hold us close to each other's heart.

really blessed to have you all, to know you all through huiyi.

huiyi, huiwen, huimin, hanxing, xuande- hahas. i came up with a new name that day cause xuande was being irritating as to add oil to fire. the 4Hs and the Xtra (Xuande). hahas.

love each and everyone of you! hope to see you all soon! and of course, see u all at NUS!!! I DEFINITELY WANT TO GET THERE TO SEE YOU ALL! loves!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY

2007-08-20T22:06:00.000+08:00

THE MOST WONDERFUL AND MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY EVER
17th, 18th, 19th, 20th AUGUST 2007. i am in love with each and every of this day.
really really enjoyed alot. ate alot too. LOLs. but still, thanks to all who made my 18th birthday a wonderful and marvelous one.

Swimmers, Chung Cheng Gang, Guardian Angel and the guys- darren, xin an, qi en, sebastian, dihui, clarence, elvin and my dear angeline who sacrifice her last chance to come out for me. Thank You for all that you all have done. it certainly touched me in a way or another. felt really blessed to have you all with me. i am really really thankful to have you all.

i dun have the time to blog abt everything now. i guess i will just post some pics. will blog abt it when i have the tym. my work is piling up like there is no tml since i did absolutely nth over the weekend >.<

the chung cheng gang (:

hans and xuande

the 3 Hs

THANK YOU BIG WATERMELON FOR ALL THE PLANNING

Thank you guys for making my day. dihui excluded as he was stuck in the toilet. LOLs.

the pub-asylum. sex on the beach drink is nice.

angeline, me and yawen. with cream on my face.

the people who put in many many hrs of hardwork to complete the pumpkin hse for me.

the most wonderful pumpkin house.

the pumpkin house done by angeline, qien, darren, xin an, sebastian, dihui. thanks for all the hardwork. thanks for measuring 1.5cm per rectangle. thanks for the boat. thanks for the "nan2 gua1 lu2" which u all named it after. thanks for cutting, pasting and having patience with it. i am really really really utterly amazed by what you all did, esp when u all are all guys, except angeline. thanks for hanging on and completing the pumpkin hse.

they did everything from scratch.

the hse before completion

thank you for kfc-ing with me when i randomly said that i wanted to eat kfc for once.

thank you swimmers for the cake and surprise

thank you for the happy bday song. thank you jiehan for playing it. thank you shuhan for learning it. thank you all for learning it. thank you for the wonderful surprise. thank you for coming to school. (:

Many thanks to:
i cant state each and everyone as my phone cant be disconnected from the com larhs. i cant really remember everyone. but i will try. sorry if i miss out any.
mummy, daddy, huiting, jasmine, rongxin, sue chee, shuhan, glendon, jiehan, ivan, rachel tan, guardian angel, huiyi, huiwen, hanxing, xuande, james, zhiwei, jingyi, darren, xin an, qien, angeline, sebastian, dihui, xiao yong, yawen, elvin, clarence, kelvin, peiwen, chuilaam, verena, fenglin, waikit, chee keong and.... i cant remember any anymore. sorry if i miss you out. but u are definitely not forgotten. (:

once again, thank you all (:

LOVES LOVES LOVES~

turning 18 is so happy~ wheee~~~

birthday post- swimmers

2007-08-18T23:57:00.000+08:00

celebrated birthday in advance with the swimmers ytd at fish and co. din want to go there cause of the embarrassing bday rap which they have >.< but ok la. after being through it, it wasnt that embarrassing after all.

shu emohan got ivan to treat me to fish and co cause of something which he said wrongly ytd. LOLs. the story made up was hilarious. i couldnt make myself look sad when i entered fish and co. then ivan took out the tickle me elmo somemore. make me want to laugh more. LOLs. i was trying hard to be serious.

then ivan bought the story and agreed to treat. HAHAs. i was very surprised that he bought the story so fast.

shared sword fish collar and prawn and shrimp pasta with shu. the pasta tastes unique. LOLs.

so i really got my treat. LOLs. but felt pretty bad >.< but thanks to glen, emohan and shu for coming up with the story. it was hilarious.

there was this freaky thing which happened when the birthday rap was sang. >.< scare the hell out of me and shu.

and here are some of the pictures!

shu and i

trying to imitate what ivan did

sharing the gigantic drink!

BALLOONS!

SWIMMERS AT FISH AND CO.

sue and i (:

smiles

2007-08-13T02:48:00.000+08:00

(:

angeline said that i have an emo post again.
so i decided to have a (: post. LOLs.

anyway, i am really (: (: (: now.
felt really blessed. (: (: (:
though stressed :(

hahas. the big watermelon got me really curious abt what they are doing on sunday. but i refuse to know what they are doing. LOLs. i dont want to know big watermelon stop telling me that it's taking up alot of time and stuff. it gets me really curios >.< but yeah! we are going a really nice place for fooooodddd. (: yummy yummy. i realised i need to lose wt this week so that i can indulged on FOOODDD this weekend. (: YUMMY. LOLs.

and the big watermelon kind of forced me to say something just now. uh oh. i didnt know what to say mahs.

my life is (: now.
i hope it stays this way.

hmmm. but somehow, i dun understand why some pple hmmm. nvm.

2007-08-11T00:15:00.000+08:00

sometimes i really wonder what do i exactly want from you.
when you arent what you are
it actually makes me worried that everything may change frm that day onwards.
and i dont want to go through that period anymore.
it was really difficult to walk out.

but when you are what you are,
i hoped that you could be more understanding and knows that i cant be there everytime.
cause my life cant revolve arnd you at this moment at this time.
i have to be rationale and think of the future.

i dont know what do i exactly want either.
i only know that i am worried.

**glen and shu got me really touched. (:
i miss you all loads :'(
not seeing you all for nearly a week due to the hols seems like eternity :(
not being able to meet up with u all and mug with u all kills me.
and you all are really clever to figure it out huhs. LOLs.
both of you asked the same qn. hahas.
but it's not entirely la.
(: (: (:
but still, thanks for telling me that everything is fine. (: loves loves loves.

i guess sometimes comforting words like " i will be there for you whenever you need someone" just dont work. efforts need to be put in somehow i guess.

no matter what, i still love all of you (:

random random post.

detached

2007-08-09T09:22:00.000+08:00

it's hard to enjoy the best of both worlds.
i felt kind of detached sometimes.
but yar.
i know i am just thinking too much.
but i am just afraid that something that i am thinking of happens.
and how will i react then.

i find it really really really hard to maintain some friendships. the efforts are not being recognised.

chalet...

2007-08-08T08:38:00.000+08:00

Just got home from chalet. going out again later. for a different purpose. Hahahas.

alot alot of thoughts to penned down actually. but sometimes just at a lost of words when this window opens.

ytd chalet was awesome (: it was really funny with the guys arnd la. but they dont help out in the steamboat at all. only me, angeline and jiahui were busy preparing the food. the guys got their eyes glued onto the PSII. the food was alright la. kind of survival cooking like that. but was really full. then the guys help out in clearing the stuff. they were really cooperative. i thought they wld say no when we call them to clear up. but apparently, darren even brought a cloth out and begin wiping the floor. was really shocked to see that he wipes the floor. hahas.

then angeline called us to play card games. hmmm. i duno why. i have never like to play card games. so i din join in at all. after that, went to the beach. i saw this really funny "house" outside the resort. went to peep in and realised that i shldnt. it looks pretty haunted. then there is this ehs. somewhat like merry go round thing. brought back alot of childhood memories when i saw it.

the path to the beach was really dark and scary. i almost wanted to just go back to the chalet. cause what happened that night just haunts me and i dun want history to repeat itself. bt well, decided to go ahead.

sitting by the beach with you got me really emotional. you made me face up to my feelings which i chose to avoid all along. i did not want to say anything. cause i just duno how to say. just somehow, that incident is too much to describe. i dont want to bring back those bad memories again. the tears just come again. you just cant forget what happened that night.

i love spending time at the beach with you. though sometimes, it will just be so quiet and there is nth to say suddenly, but there is tranquility there. indeed like what you said, sitting by the beach just makes your heart feel really burdened suddenly. but somehow, i just wish that the night can last forever, and we could stay at the beach just like that.

walking back. we almost got lost. hahas. and it was chaotic back at the chalet. dihui was crazy. he got really high last night. i duno for what reason. they played concentration, true or dare and some ehs. poker games.

i headed for the bed. and it suddenly dawned onto me that those feelings have been hiding at a part of my heart for too long. slowly, with the music, i slept for awhile.

and guess what i saw when i woke up????!!!! they are playing a number game using cards and there is a punishment for that. and one of the punishment i saw was dihui and sebas eh. have to touch nose to nose -_-| it looks really really GAY. hahas. they played until really wild.

and then the next thing i knew was, i got involved. the next punishment was the person who got the smallest card has to ehs. kind of sit on me. -__________-||| i wasnt involved in the game at all in the first place!!!! and before i can say anything, they opened their cards and the person who said the punishment got punished in the end. i was trying to run away and hide. but well, i still got sat by someone in the end. :(

then finally they decided to sleep. after numerous times of waking up, changing my sleeping partner and stuff, the next thing i know was dihui, the big watermelon is sleeping beside me. hahas. and many alarm clocks were ringing throughout the night.

it was really fun at the chalet. though it feels really guilty to go to a chalet at this point of time. but i really need some space for fun now. really stressed out.

i am missing alot of people these few days. i really really hate Alevels. i cant meet up with anyone at all. everyone is busy. i am busy too. sighs. somehow, i felt that some friendships are really fragile. it takes both hands to clap isnt it.

anyway, i decided to get a new phone last sat. just woke up and suddenly felt that i need a new phone as i really want a cybershot one.

somehow, i wish that the night, the chalet can last forever.

getting really sick of mugging.

on the other hand, on a happier note, it's august loves (:

tired....

random thoughts

2007-07-31T02:52:00.000+08:00

life revolves arnd mugging now.
but i dun wish to become a slave to mugging,
by that i mean i really dun want to feel stress up.
seeing the pple arnd u gradually becoming stressed is scary.
no. i dun want to suffer from that.

yeah! i did my PB for inclined pull up and 2.4! (: it's from failing these two items back in chung cheng to getting my A for these two now! (:

i want to go the manhattan fish market that shuhan told me abt :( the food looks really nice :(

mrs goh's words were really encouraging. she is such a good motivator. hahas.

the machine which measure the percentage of fats in ur body was damn funny. darren, dihui and i made a great din in the pe dept cos of it. surprised that the teachers din scold us. hahas.

pe ytd was so shiok. i ran like never before. miss swimming. argh.

qien's compo touched my heart. hahas. random. but yar. his compo is simple and touching. u can really feel for angeline and him (: i look forward to attending to both of your wedding (:

for my loved ones, pls dun get stressed up. it's impt to stay cool and calm and mug well now. stressed is just a piece of dessert (:

staying in school till late at night is interesting. hahas. so quiet.

smile everyone! like this :D my dear sexykid typical smile. hahas

i miss...

2007-07-29T01:56:00.000+08:00

was viewing jonz photos and just...
miss swimming, esp the penang trip with the swimmers.
memories.
the nats week.
memories.
sighs.
i hasnt been able to join the gals for water polo trainings.
i miss those times when we will train hard for nats.
sighs.
just glad that at least the swimmers are still studying tgt now.
but yar. i miss the times when we will go dwn to ite simei for training.
and my apple crumble after that.

there are many things and people that i really miss.
and i wonder,
why things seem to change btw us.
is the friendship not that strong afterall
are we changing
or right from the start,
it's not strong to begin with
but we self- deluded ourselves.

ok. stop emo-ing.
perhaps some friends we should let go of sometimes,
when really, the friendship is too weak?
and both parties refuse to put in efforts?
i duno.
but yar.
i have too much memories.

on another note, it's not a time to be emo at all.
it's just _ weeks to prelims and Alevels.

darren's bday

2007-07-27T23:08:00.000+08:00

celebrated darren's bday today. yawns. i am so tired now.

anyway, we have laods of fun in the ehs. i really duno what's the room called. anyway, it's this room that really is in jap style in sakae. as what shuhan says, it's those that have cushion kind. hahas. and we spent 225 bucks. ok la. we have quite a no. of people.

i was super unrefined when i was in the room. in the sense. dihui passed me darren's phone. then darren wanted to snatch it back from me. i didnt know why that phone was so impt at that pt of time. so i just refused to let go of the phone. and "fought" with darren. waw. super unrefined. i wonder if i got "zou3 guang1" LOLs.

swensens ice cream cake was yummy! but i didnt get to eat alot =( cos dihui cut the cake out of proportion la. i only ate abit. but it was super yummy. miss xuande's bday ice cream cake. hahas. he was swensens ice cream cake too. but it was two swensens ice cream cake.

we made alot of lame jokes in the room la. i think the people outside will think that we are mad or something. there was once when angeline shouted and i was outside and practically EVERYONE in the restaurant turned and looked at us -_-|||| super paiseh.

dinner was delicious. i love my beancurd thing.

then talked to angeline abt stuff. i thought that i would not cry, cos i thought that i have grew stronger over the week. but waw, the tears just came when i talked abt that night and the many things that have happened. but yeah. she certainly has a more mature thinking than me. and a more logical mind. aiyarh. but i still duno what to do. i just hope that things will be fine.

smile. i want to smile from the bottom of my heart.

smile for the people who love you.it's hard.

2007-07-21T07:47:00.000+08:00

it's really hard to smile for the people who love you. really hard. i am consumed by the night, by the memories, by the person who have hurt me so much but never knows that. it's really hard. i really dont want to make those who care worry, but i really find it hard to smile.

it's an open wound that is bleeding profusely and i cant stop it from bleeding.

sorry. i disappoint those who care and love me once again. sorry. please bear with me.

i really really hate the person, the third party. if not for her, things wouldnt be so bad.

tears sucks.

robbery

2007-07-20T19:34:00.000+08:00

something really really bad happened that day. i have never thought to have to meet with this kind of mishap. i lost every memory that i have in the past. really scary experience. it haunts me every now and then when i think back.

though things are getting really tough, but i m determined to walk out of this shadow now. cause i realised that i have made alot of people worry for me. sorry.

the tears just come somehow in torrents these two days. not that i dun want to say what happened. but it's something that really cannot be known to some, and somehow, i am tired of repeating the story all over again.

i thought that i have become much stronger after talking to some, but after that incident, i realised that i could just break down. cause it's too much to bear. i am haunt by that incident and you just abandon me aside when i really need you the most.

i kept crying when i went to mr ang's lesson. >.< I think he thinks that i m crying over my maths or something. LOls. so coincidentally, the tears always come before his maths tutorial.

but i am determined to stop the tears from now. i hope i can do it. i dun want people to worry for me anymore. i want back that cheerful me. i want back that minmin who will smile from the bottom of her heart. and really smile. it's hard but i will try my best to do it.

and alevels is coming. really looming near. i cant let it affect me anymore.

and shuhan was so sweet today. lols. she got me happy food and wrote a snoopy note. (:

i felt really blessed to have you all.

stay strong, for the people who love you. do not cry for the person who is not worth it.

the very funny thing is, you do not even know that the tears were cause of...

mugging...

2007-07-17T21:52:00.001+08:00

fianlly i am done with the xue shan fei hu ppt. looking at the number of chinese words that i have typed, gradually have a sense of satisfaction (:

lunch with the swimmers today (: it has been so long since i have lunch with them, due to the super screwed timetable which i have. sighs. it's just so so so different from them larhs. but i wanted to go for the super nice pastry further down the road, but the food was pretty tempting. so ate real food with them. LOLs.

and we tried out this weird specs by emo han. LOLs. hilarious. and take picture while we cross the road -_-||| hahahas.

then it was mugging and mugging. felt pretty productive. (: just love being with swimmers (:

anyway, i realised i may be pretty tactless these few days. sorry to anyone if my words have hurt you in a way or another. it's just i am not in a really good mood these few days.

and i still duno if i should just leave. i dun want to hurt that someone who have been hurt by me before. and i dun want to feel detached. but in order to make sure that i wont see the ths that i dun want to, i have to leave. aiyar. complicated.

that phone call. i doubted. i dont know how to react. to me, i still duno if you have changed. i duno whether to take a step forward or a step back. but i dun want to regret in future.

and to my dearest shu han (if you see this): just hope that you will cheer up (: dun worry so much and think so much. it's not good for health. dun be an emo-han. be a happy sexy slim and slender shu! (: much loves!

things aint getting better

2007-07-16T20:20:00.000+08:00

finally i get to rest for awhile before chiong-ing again.

many are asking what happened. i duno what to say. or rather i duno how to say. and i dun want to say anything cause saying it will just cause a surge of emotions and those tears just flow out somehow. but deep in my heart, really hope that someone could just give me a solution so that i wont feel so miserable anymore.

have been trying to keep myself busy by keep working and working and working, studying and studying and studying. but somehow, you feel that at the back of your mind, there is this burden that weighs you down.

i kept thinking about those words which you said to me before. i could not bring myself to think of your bad points. those little things that you did, those touching words that you said, somehow, it just floods my mind. somehow, i cant hate you for being what you are now.

but what you did that day really pisses me off. do you know how bad i felt after that. or rather, you never know?

i really really dun wish to see those things. i am trying hard to avoid, avoid, avoid.but i dun wish history to repeat itself. i really duno how.

enough about that. the day started alright with meeting up with huiting. seeing her just cheer me up somehow. and she knows me just inside out.

school was tiring. pe was even more. circuit training. it has been so so so long since i have land training. felt really weak when doing the circuit. and somehow i dun have the motivation. guess i aint doing it with the swimmers that's why? miss those times when we will go rah rah rah to cheer pple on.

mugging with the swimmers was fun! LOLs. i mean at least, being with them just cheer me up somehow. we are swimming a 800m race now! we must jiayou!

it's ironical how i wish that pple arnd me will just cheer up and not be sad, when i cant set a good eg. irony.

i just feel like puking everything that i ate everytime. food doesnt taste that nice anymore.

am i in the wrong are are you at fault?

it is him again.

2007-07-14T23:45:00.000+08:00

i have been through rather an emo week.

Last race on wednesday at toa payoh swimming complex. wasnt so emo until shuhan told me that everything is ending soon. the relay ended off everything.

then went to furama hotel for victory dinner. i am lazy to upload photos. but it was an awesome night with the swimmers. we take numerous photos, but they dun seem that many afterall. the many memories just suddenly flood my mind when sue kind of cried cause she couldnt give us the little message which she prepared for us.

from not being attached to the team to getting to know sue shu and rach tan, from the split in the team to the bonded as one team which we have now, from thinking that joining swimming means just going for training to now in which going for training means more time with the other swimmers, many many many things have changed. i am really really amazed by the progress which we have made over the months. the many changes made me feel that we went through years in swimming.

it's too much memories to bear. have never thought that stepping down from swim team would be so fast. i thought, the year3s have just handed the swim team to us. in the blink of an eye, we are leaving and soon we are giving the year ones to take over the team.

things did not go really right this week. i guess i really do not want to know an answer at all. i just hope to endure through this difficult period. it has been made more difficult with someone entering into the picture now. i dont know. i din know that u could actually change so fast. so fast that i could not manage to accept and cope with the change at all. i have to force myself to not think of somethings that i shouldnt think of now. it's really really hard. but i have no more tears anymore. really tired from crying. what can i say. that i really really hope that things didnt turn out this way. i wish that somehow, there is a pill call the "erase memory" pill in which after taking it, i could forget all about you, the many memories we used to share. but i guess, u have found another world of your own, isnt it?

in my heart, i can no longer hold inside, all of the love i used to hide...

Nats is soon over. Victory dinner!

2007-07-10T23:39:00.000+08:00

It's left with Victory Dinner and soon it's stepping down from swimming. though there is still water polo, but things are gonna be different. just different. i miss the competitive stroke i have. monday swim was crap. i duno why. somehow i cant feel my stroke anymore. i feel weak. i dun have the motivation to go on. but well, i guess that's what happened after nats?

i guessed alot are disappointed in me for my results. sorry but i expected this outcome. i tried my best to work things out during the june hols, ensuring that i can balance training everyday and studies. but this is the best i can do, and the best i can make out of it. sorry but really, i tried my best. i promise to do better and bring out the best for my prelims.

and i guess i have to let you go at this moment. i think you know my stand. no doubt, i have to admit that i cant bear to do so, but for the sake of my Alevels and prelims, i guess i have to make a sacrifice. but it's really painful. really. i duno how to endure through. but i duno. get really jealous when i see some stuff. but what can i say. i kept asking myself, if i put myself in ur shoes, would i step back. and my immediate answer is yes. i will. i dun blame you for stepping back. i guess i have hurt u enough. but i really duno how to ensure that we both can be happy when i cldnt put in time and effort to maintain this "relationship" that we have. i am afraid of losing you. i am afraid of regrets. but i have to set my priorities right. but i cant bring myself to stop being jealous when i saw those things. i miss those times, i miss the past, i miss those messages, i miss you at this time, this moment. i guess i miss you even when u are just right beside me.

minmin, learn to focus and concentrate!

on a happier note, it's victory dinner and everyone will dress up tmr! yeah.

tjc swim team 06/07, we quarrel, we fight, but still we unite

Nats is over.

2007-07-04T23:32:00.000+08:00

800m
400m
free
it's over
i am proud of myself
but there are also things that i am disappointed about
wouldnt say what i did here
but guess most of my closest buds know what happened
the hiccups that happened
the unexpected things which happened
but still
i am proud of myself
proud that i swim like never before

thanks team, for being proud of me.
thanks team, for being there when i just break down and cry
thanks team, for giving me all the support and comfort i need
thanks team, for having faith and believing in me
thanks team, for everything which u all did
thanks team, for making me smile when i felt really down
thanks team, for not blaming me
really touched by everything which each of you did

esp thanks to jing hean, who scolded me for crying, but it was for a good cause
he woke me up from my lala land
but at that point of time
when reality strikes
i couldnt see the bigger picture
but now
yes
i see it
more or less
there are bound to be regrets
but i wont cry over it anymore
if jing hean ever see this,
just wanna say thank you for scolding me
though it was really harsh...

2007-07-02T21:21:00.000+08:00

as the time draws nearer to tmr morning,
i am becoming more and more gan chiong.
sucks

WHY IS EVERYONE IGNORING ME
ESP MS WONG HUITING
HUMPH
I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND HER SINCE MORNING BUT DIDNT MANAGE TO
HUMPH
I AM DAMN FRUSTRATED
GRRGRRR
EVERYONE IS IGNORING ME LARHS
THIS IS SO IRRITATING

den sue was like
why cant u talk to shu about it
why must find huiting
actually i also duno
it's just
i want to find her larhs
grrgrrr
WONG HUITING
WHERE EXACTLY ARE YOU
SUPER FRUSTRATED NOW LARHS
GRRGRR
WHY EVERYTIME WANT TO FIND YOU LIKE SUPER URGENTLY U ARE ALWAYS NOT THERE

i am damn emo and insane for the whole day
i spent like duno how much on food
i ate like duno how many stuff today

sometimes
it just makes me wonder
u said that u will be there for me
but what exactly did u do when i needed u the most
u dun understand what i am going tru at all
u just choose to change the topic when i try to tell u how bad i feel
like wth
and makes things worse
i feel like
i am so irritated
pple say that u are a jerk
i din choose to believe
i thought perhaps i was wrong in making u say those things
but as time goes by
i gradually believe them
why must u always make me feel as if...
argh
cant u just understand what i feel
and stop trying make me feel worse
or rather only care about YOURSELF
argh
i am so irritated

and pple say that they are your true friends
or rather u think that they are
but sometimes
pple that u think who are are not
instead
it's those whom u neglected who stand by u...

it makes me feel that i shldnt have put in that much effort afterall.

2007-07-02T11:21:00.000+08:00

TOMORROW IS THE DAY
the day which i prepared so hard for
trying to improve for one and a half years
my 800m free event

but i cant describe how scared i m at the moment
i dun want to compete
i dun want to know the truth
i dun want to face up to reality
i dun want to see the seed times of the other swimmers
i dun want to see those pro club swimmers
i dun want i dun want i dun want

i want to go sch tmr
even if it means taking back results

i really hate this feeling
can someone relieve me of this.
argh.

everyone is getting people to support them
do i want
i duno
it only means more stress for me perhaps
but i also duno
argh

JCTS SUCKS

2007-06-29T14:21:00.000+08:00

I swear that i have been through the most stressful period of my 17 years of life.
it's stress that lasted for one month.
tears that could fill i duno how many buckets.
finally it's all over.
the kind of LIBERATION
i yearn for it for duno how long

i am going to FLUNK MY JCT.
this time is for real
for every paper that i went for
i dun have the facts
dun have the knowledge
dun have everything

i m so dead.
and i haven tell my parents about it.
but what i really felt sad about is that
i really did study.
but perhaps, i didnt really manage to concentrate because of the everyday trainings.
but yar.
PRELIMS AND ALEVELS
my next fight
i must do well for that.
but i felt really really helpless for biology. haiz.

but before that,
it's NATIONALS that i am facing NEXT WEEK
i cant imagine that in just a week time,
my term in TJC SWIM TEAM is going to end like that.
no more
I HAVE TRAINING
I DID MY PB
I WANT TO TRAIN...
blah blah blah...

i guess more or less
the tears will come during Victory dinner
yea...
but well
i need to concentrate on my studies already...

and i still duno how to swim my 800m and 400m without cramps!
annoying can!
i actually cramped during BROKEN SWIM
like wth
it's just BROKEN SWIM
still will cramp
HELLO
what's wrong with me man.
but i m really scared about who am i going to face next tues and wed. ARGH.
can i just live in my lalala land.
i love today. cause it's no more JCT day.

walked arnd in SHENG SIONG with huiting just now
i realised how much i was deprived of the outside world
i got fasinated by everything
cause it has been so long since i last shopped with no worries and stress
and i really think that huiting just know me inside out man
hahhas.

and i guessed this period has been really really tough for me
thanks for standing by me (: i guessed there are many who have really brought me through this tough period. really appreciate all the encouragement, messages and calls. (:

i think stress can really make a person slim down.
i ate really alot during this jct.
chocolates, sweets, sweetened drinks blah blah blah
all those sinful stuff
and caramel corn which is 500kcal!
hahas
but i lost weight
LOLs
hope i dun gain back.

i m looking forward to the weekend! (:
finally it's outing with the many pple!!! and uh oh.
qien's and dihui's bday present is so gonna take up all my time
i hope i can make it in time!

and there is training later! and the last dinner after that :(
i will treasure each and every moment at ITE SIMEI with the swimmers from now on.

it was liberation from you during jct. and now with liberation from jct, u filled my mind once again. why cant i get liberated from you permenantly.

2007-06-19T22:39:00.000+08:00

i felt as if i dropped from heaven to hell now.
i dun want to swim anymore.
upon looking at the seed time and the swimmers for 800m free and 400m free,
i really dun want to swim anymore

i hate to tear like this.
i thought i have tried to be strong for the past few days already.
i thought i have try to remember those words u told me.
but apparently,
upon looking at the timings,
i really dont want to swim anymore.

this kind of feeling sucks.
it really sucks.

EMO

2007-06-13T20:21:00.000+08:00

i cannot control my tears anymore. it's overflowing whenever i think of you, think of what i have to go through and everything. the stress is piling on me, the expectations which i know i cant meet, the kind of comments which i will receive cause i never meet those expectations and stuff. argh.

interjc today. i din do PBs at all. mr fun said that i panicked for 100m free. which is true. i cant swim my own race. i m afraid of my opponents. i feel inferior.

as for 50m free. it wasnt to my expected timing.

200m free. i think i din give in my best. i feel that i can go for another round after swimming it. but at least for this swim, i feel contented and i din panick. though i m off PB by 3 seconds :(

aiyar. overall it was crap. really crap.

i m damn scared for nats now. i cant perform to my training level. mr fun was like saying
huimin you werent like that for training.
you are not performing like what u do for training.

yar. i felt that too. i duno how. i feel really tired. it's like one/two race and it will be over. and u train so hard. in the end, cos of anxiety you lose everything. EVERYTHING.

i told sue that i felt that
i reached my peak for everything and it's going downslope, be it studies, be it swimming.
my life revolves arnd training, notes, tutorials, papers and papers and stack of papers.
it's just water and papers.

how am i going to perform like training. perform at my peak. perform at my best. when i lose all stroke techniques and starts to panic when i stand on the plunging board.

for once, i am afraid of swimming.

and i yearn for an encouragement from u. but u din. instead, you gave me a feeling that u cant understand what i feel and what i am going through. perhaps we are really from two different worlds. u dun understand what i want and what i m trying to go for. the two worlds cant meet.

i reached my peak already. i cant go further anymore.

hit 1 min 50sec for broken swim

2007-06-11T22:33:00.000+08:00

went beyond what i thought i couldnt achieve during training (:
1min 50sec for 10x100m broken swim. proud, really proud of myself.
but my arms feel like they are going to ehs. fall off any moment? >.<
how to train tmr in this condition >>>.<<<
but i will hang in there. i hope i can. though i really feel like dying.

i m super stressed out. jcts, swimming, competition, trainings, stacks of notes to mug. just kill me.
pls. dun have high expectations of me for this jct. i promise i will do better.

i felt really trapped by all those emotions. sometimes i really wish to say it all out. just say what i feel. stop trying to put up a strong front. but somehow, something is holding me back. i duno what though.

guardian, i know that i hurt you once again. but sorry. not at this point of time. i guess i need to sort out my feelings before anything. but that's only after A levels.

FOCUS MIN!

2007-06-10T15:24:00.000+08:00

i dont deny that i am missing you now.
but i guess we are too stubborn to do anything about it.
or rather i m too stubborn and not initiative at all.
i know i am at fault
but
i dont know what's holding me back.
things were fine.
i was able to keep to the promise i have for myself
i was able to remember what huiting said to me.
but whenever that song plays,
i cant help but think of the many things that we did, that you said, that you did.
the memories were too much to bear.
i miss you like crazy now.
but i hope that i m able to hold out.

muffin gal says that we have to be geared towards the end of year. yah. i have to hold on.

i cant stop thinking of you.

黄金海岸的岸边我们肩并著肩
洁净的蓝天清澈的水面吻成一条海平线
看你温柔的双眼弹著吉他的弦
歌词是诺言旋律是依恋唱出一首五月天
五月的天刚诞生的夏天
我们之间才完成的爱恋
紧握的手里面有好多明天
五月的天梦开始要鲜豔
前方蜿蜒一长串的心愿
我们一天一天慢慢实现

我应该选择被动还是主动.我很乱.到底要怎样,才能不要让彼此受折磨...

miss penang

2007-06-10T01:18:00.000+08:00

saw the muffin gurl today (((: all smiles. finally things are better btw us. talked quite abit. she rem like everything that we used to talk abt, things that i do and stuff. ((: i m so glad that things are so much better now. lalalala. and i saw muffin guy ytd. hahas.

but i realised that as i gained something, i lose something too.

something nasty happened ytd. dun wish to elaborate more on it. hais. but thanks for the ice-cream treat which i couldnt stay for as my parents want me to go home like right away. but still thanks. appreciate it alot.

back from penanag on thurs. miss penang. i miss...
the prank calls by room 219
the lame jokes by daryl tan, chinhock and sherman.
the eating tgt with these three guys who forever acted like gays.
the giving of food to these three guys. hahas. i dun want to eat so much mahs. while these three guys are really big eaters. hahas. so we always sit at the same table so that i can distribute my food to them.

the competition (though i din do well for 100m but managed to cut 23 sec for my 200m free ((: )
the salty water in penanag chinese swimming club. they actually just filter the sea water from the beach and it goes right into the swimming pool

the kachiaoing by swimmers (esp shuhan)
the late night mugging
the food (i gained weight cos of it! :( ) it's endless eating larhs. we eat dessert after main course and the main course is alot, mind you.
the cam whoring sessions
the small pillow fight with shuhan

the massage session which i din tahan all the way, cos it was really itchy and it sets me laughing all the way, so mr loh decided that i shall not be massaged since i cant tahan the itchy feeling. lols. for pple who know me well, you know i hate pple to massage me or touch my shoulders or what. cos i m really really very very sensitive.
the lesson learnt, the discussion
the late night room service which we called for
the shopping (which werent that interesting to me)
the heart to heart talks we have

the hopping of hotel rooms
the sleeping, dozing off
the long bus journeys

the fact that i created havoc in glendon, jiehan and johnathan hotel room. it was really funny. cause they said that i m so much more refined. so i acted to be refined in their room. and said that i m a cinderella waiting for my white horse to fetch me home. hahas. i m a refined cinderella. hahas. and i dun eat famous amos cause i m famous enough (:

and many many things. so many things can happen in four days.
really reaally miss penang. argh. it's left with two weeks and all will come to an end soon. hais.

i m confused over what you did, what you say and what you actually want. i dun like this kind of on and off treatment. cant we just talk it out and settle things once and for all. i m tired of all these. i really wanna noe what exactly do you want and feel. and dun assume that i dun care abt you at all, will you. when i actually cared. just that i m not gd at expressing myself in this kind of things. i dun like to say it out. i really hate this kind of on and off treatment.

tears.

2007-06-01T22:39:00.000+08:00

are you trying to punish me or something.
why must u do this to me.
i m feeling so helpless now.
i thought that these tears have stopped,long ago.
i thought that i m over you long ago.
but i m wrong.

why do u ask that qn.
are u preparing to leave me soon.
or what.

i m tired. tired of everything in my life.

i wanted to tell you truthfully that the answer is that
i cant do w/o you.
but i duno how to say it.
i duno how to put it.

2007-05-31T02:53:00.000+08:00

double trained today. morning was slack set. cos mr loh was talking abt race plan. yeah. no more double trainings. not that i wanna slack. but i think i wld rather have an intensive training session, rather than two not that intensive ones. (: it's quite time wasting to have double trainings. cant study at all. like today.

race plan session was quite fun. hahas. we crapped alot. i went like
"mr loh, the air con is not cold"
mr loh went like
"i wasnt in the rm mahs. but with me arnd now, the temp will certainly drop"
-_-|

studied in the noon with shu and the others sleeping. i wanted to slp so much in btw but was waken up consecutively by calls. and junhong made me angry before they slept. so i officially ignore him from now on, and gonna make his life hell in the team. hahas. like how i used to ignore glen in the past. hahas. but how nard ask me to forgive him was funny. the apple crumble temptation.

afternoon training was hell. we din finish doing the 2 x 16 x 100m sets. did arnd 23 x 100m. but i think it was really a test of your determination for this set. lane mates, we did it! dun tell yourself that u cant kaes. we must do it. (:

i m so excited abt going penang. ((: it will be a good time spent with the team. and the competition there will better prepare us for nats. i hope.

soaking in trainings is another form to avoid those complicated emotions. but i realised that i m missing out on alot of other activities. i really really miss you people.

huiyi and xuande. wanted so much to just dun attend the noon training today when xuande asked me dwn for dinner with them. but know that i cant. i miss you all!

and carol and mj, we haven have a meet up yet!

and the list goes on.

double trainings start

2007-05-30T00:47:00.000+08:00

double trainings have started. i think most are trying to hold on. i pray that all will be fine for the swimmers. sometimes, it just dun feel gd to see your teammates suffering from injuries and complaining that he/she is in pain. hang on swimmers. it's just one more month.

i haven attended a double training yet. gonna have one tmr. but... i still duno if i should rest or should i train. everyone calls me not to train as i m sick. damn irritating. it's fever last week, cold this week. and i could taste nor smell anything ytd!!!! and it's so irritating that i couldnt smell my strawberry shower gel when everyone is going huu-haa over it in the shower room. hahas. and i used up so many packets of tissue paper. so should i train? crap.

qi en is the most funny one larhs. he was like. oei. it's just jct. dun need to mug until become sick. den i was like of course not larhs. but i have trainings plus mugging. den he was like HUH DUN TRAIN. I DONT WANT TO SEE YOU DIE FROM TRAINING.
-_-|

psychometric test today was crap. but rj campus was cool. sue, shu and i peep at the swimming pool there. it makes u feel really inferior when u see their swimmers swim. >.< but i m so jealous that they have a pool.

daddy was so nice today. he bought me a shorts that cost like more than 40 bucks. diaos. i wanted a FBT one. but he bought such an ex one. sometimes i really feel that i really neglected my parents due to trainings and studies. but i duno what to do. facing stress from both sides. they expect me to do well for studies. they are so uptight and upset with the fact that my bio is failing. and i really duno how. i m so caught in btw. hais. and mummy is biased sometimes which really get up on my nerves.

and i did my PB on monday training (: finally managed to break 40s. was so shocked but happy (((: yeah!

i am really sick of this busy life
it is so hard to hang on
really tired
it gets more tough when your body keeps giving way
you asked me why m i so hard on myself
i duno why and wish to know why too
i guessed it's the expectations that i have for myself
and what people have of me
that cause me to be this way
i wish to have a simple life too
but can i have one?
it has been this way back in chung cheng and now in tj.
why do i get myself involved in all this shit.

this busy life is keeping my emotions at bay.
i try not to think of you so much anymore.
i have to put an end to it.

could you hold me tight and bring me tru this journey.

to my dearest guardian (if you reads this): sorry if i hurt you. but i really do not have the time now to commit myself. there are other people who are more worthy of you as compared to me.

sports carnival

2007-05-25T08:35:00.000+08:00

it's morning and i m blogging. hahas.

anyway, i m super duper hungry now. contemplating whether to eat bread for breakfast or just go get a full meal as my the bread that i want is not available yet at this hr. argh.

anyway, we clocked arnd 5.5 km on wed for training (: satisfying. hahas. but i did not swim hard and fast for my first main set. cos i was feeling sick from the fever on tues. but felt so much better for the second main set and decided to chiong for it! yeah!

inter-pdp games ytd was crapped. i realised that quite a no. of pdps have something against us is it. what did we do to make them feel like we are mean pple or what. irritating. tug-of-war was fun! (: i guessed we could apply what we do for tug-of-war in swimming. like we need to coordinate, need to pull tgt and stuff. jing hean was caught in the middle when swimming has to go against soccer for tug-of-war. hahas. in the end he nv played but we still win! (:

something bad happened after that. super pissed. spoil my day. shan't elaborate on it. shall see how things go today.

there is training later. argh. we are supposed to have NO TRAINING TODAY AS THERE IS WATER POLO. not that i dun want to train. but we are NOT supposed to train. ok larhs. but well, part of me want to train. ok. we shall train.

talked to quite a no. of swimmmers ytd. Den told me what i should do. i m geared towards that goal! and someone did something. hahas. which really shocked me. but yupp. glad that things are going smooth and i bet it will (: it takes two hands to clap.

ytd talked to huiting after badminton finals. she made me feel so much better.at least i dun feel that i m in a state that i could not get myself out of the trap anymore. at least i dun cry over the slightest thing that someone doesnt do. thanks gurl. i have always like talking to you. and reply my messages kaes (:

the thing that is keeping me strong may seem abit ego. but that's the only thing i can do in order to ensure that i will be over that someone.

i m super duper hungry now. sobs. >.<

your prince charming should be someone who is really worth of you

sick.

2007-05-22T23:24:00.000+08:00

down with this fever which came in the midnight. didnt go to school today in the end. heard that lessons were pretty crappy though.

but have to go down for the mazarin presentation in the evening. glad that the judges like our idea (: but i nearly died having to present with the fever.

hope that i could train tmr. cant afford to miss any trainings anymore. and my june schedule is screwed. argh.

i slept so much today. i think i slept like 20 hrs. omg.

i hate this kind of busy life.

i miss him.

2007-05-20T11:28:00.000+08:00

it has been quite long since i updated huhs. life has been so busy since the drama production, with so many tests, trainings blah blah blah. CRAP.

anyway, this is going to be a long post with pics. =)

pics of 4/5/07 and 5/5/07! TJC CHINESE DRAMA PRODUCTION

Ht and I cam whoring before the first day of performance

YW with her apple. Lols

the LAO AH PEHs in my JU. hahahs.

<<少了些什么>>演员

Phebe and i

another lao ah peh of the ju. hahas.

RONG XIN!!! i am easily amused by her. really. the things she does just make me laugh. thanks for the rose and she came down for both production on the two days.

MJ and I. LOVE HER. hahas.

PENG KAI!!! So long never see him le. so surprised to see him on that day. he is still the same old him. LOLS.

Sebas and I. thanks for coming down that day. really appreciate your effort (:

ELVIN! YOU ROCKS MAN! YOU ARE THE BEST PERSON IN THIS WORLD MAN. THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING DOWN DESPITE THE FACT THAT U NOE ON THURS THAT THERE IS ACTUALLY A PRODUCTION ON FRIDAY. THANKS SO MUCH.

WU GUI and i.

Lambador(woof woof) and i

And the pple who made my day on 4/5/07. Thanks for everything.

It's huiting's birthday on 5/5/07! My specially made birthday present for her. She was so touched by it. hahas. anyway, glad that you like the present. =) love you gurl! (i just dun like the fact that u always dun reply my messages, really)

the pic taken before the last performance. SHE IS SO CUTE!

Ht and our make- up stylist. she is very good at doing our make-up. really very good. thanks for dolling us up for both days!

CCHMS pple. Kelvin and Pei Hui can practically tear the whole building down ok. really. they were screaming like hell after the performance. i think an earthquake has happened cos of them. hahas.

AND THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY REALLY TOUCHED ME SO MUCH THAT I NEARLY CRIED.
they agreed to wear long sleeved collar shirt when they turned up for my performance.
despite not being able to understand chinese that well, they still come down for the production when the whole production is in chinese.
and cheering me on during the performance. (nard and glen called and smsed me during the performance larhs. make me so anxious on stage. hahas)
BUT STILL, YOU PEOPLE ROCKS.

TJC SWIMMERS. WE QUARREL, WE FIGHT, BUT STILL WE UNITE.

Thanks for coming down. (:

GUYS who look like GANGSTERS.

Rach tan and I.

Ivan and I.

Nard and I.

Shu and I

Jie han and I

Glen and I

dont these guys look like gangster advertising their newly opened stall. it was super funny larhs.

the flowers which the swimmers gave. there is this hot pink rose among the other roses.

" You are the ONE ROSE among the many roses"- swimmers. *ultra touched by this sentence*

really happy with the life that i m having now. surrounded by so many nice pple that really brightens up each day of your life though school gets really stressful sometimes.

actually i missed these two days of production alot. i guessed it will be the last time i get to be on stage. that kind of feeling and experience, inexplicable. the many stages which i have performed back in chung cheng. esp the ESPLANADE STAGE which brings back so many memories.

and so i mentioned that there are SO MANY MAY BABIES around me. hahas. i nearly died making all those presents for these impt pple. it's all personalised gifts. thinking of the idea alone nearly drive me crazy. but yeah. glad that you all like it.

Xuande invited us to his hse for his small 21st bday bbq. it was a mini one as he invited only his close friends. nevertheless, it was really fun. =) xuande hoped u enjoyed the night!

we were trying to make the alphabets- CCHSM. can u see that S that xd is making. omg.

.EXCLUSIVE US.

this was the first time i tried an ice-cream cake. it was marvelous. i m going to have one for the birthday man.

THE HAPPY BIRTHDAY THING AT XUANDE HSE. so nicely done right.
hahas.

and so it was sebas bday today. hahas. celebrated for him early. i m so proud of the presents that i made kaes (: lalalala. hmmm. i forgt to take a pic of the presents before i gave it to him larhs. grrgrrr.

anyway, the atm at the restaurant was so nice. i really love the place man.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEBAS!
glad that you like the presents and everything (: it wasnt an MP3 player though. hahas. guess someone will get you that instead bahs.

AND SO IT IS LEFT WITH THE TWO IMPT PPLE IN MY LIFE.
wu xuande and tan huiyi. i m waiting for the bday meetup before u all fly away to enjoy ur trip. huiyi jie, get well soon and take care!

我曾经选择了逃避自己的感觉.我以为我做得到,做得到没有你的陪伴,没有你的存在,没有你的好的时候.但是我发现我错了.我发现我很依赖你,我不能没有你.可是,我又要怎么做才不会伤害到彼此.那种压抑的感觉好痛苦,仿佛随时会窒息…

swimmers are so SWEET

2007-05-03T15:24:00.000+08:00

i am really high and insane for the past two days. but for duno what reason. hahas.

drama production is tmr! i m kind of excited. it feels good to be on stage again =D

anyway, i am really really touched by the swimmers. not only are they coming down to support me, the guys promised to wear LONG SLEEVE COLLAR SHIRT!!!! if you all read my prev prev post which hanxing's tag wanted me to comment on 5 ths which differ you from others, one of the things are that i fancy is guys wearing long sleeve collar shirt. think that they look very smart and handsome in it. hahas. i thought that i could only see this during Nationals Victory Dinner in july. but the swimmers promised to wear long sleeve collar shirt when they come down for sat's production. but it can dun be black larhs. hahs. i think i shldnt have so many expectations. but thanks people. =) really touched.

and mr loh is back with us! =) training ytd was satisfying. and i actually stayed in school till 1135 PM bcos of the production. i nearly died of fatigue. i was like a zombie already larhs.

mass swim today was hilarious when mr fun wanted us to do the tandem freestyle. hahas. it's weird to hold someone and let the person swim.

i really really treasure the life that i m having now. really happy. i guess that explains why i m pretty high and insane these few days. other than stress from studies esp bio, i guess things are gg pretty alright and i really cant bear to leave everything, esp tj swimming trainings, after Nationals.

hope that tmr's production will be a success!

sorry if i kind of treated you badly.
i really need to concentrate sometimes.
torn btw feelings and reality.

2007-04-29T16:46:00.000+08:00

so finished hanxing's tag, shall blog.

anyway, this week has been a pretty up and down week for me. really like going on a roller coaster ride like that. anyway, thanks my dear huiting and yawen for standing by me when i really needed just that. you two really touched me. the things u all said, u all did, just making sure that i m alright. that's enough. =)

drama performance is coming up. i think the people in drama are really nice people. it's like i duno how to say. but they are just very nice pple. you dun feel weird talking to them abt things. yupp. but i think we have to be more efficient. really. anyway, going for rehearsals now are not really a chore for me now. i just love spending some time with drama sometimes.

training on friday really gave me a great sense of accomplishment. thanks ivan for the pacing! =) but i nearly died after sprinting for 16 x 50m. felt like giving up during the 12th set and onwards. but yeah. with ur team mate pacing and pushing u, u cant afford to give up. but i realised i have a habit of holding really tight on the lane rope when i feel really tired and wanted to give up. hahas.

i will miss dinner with the swim team for two weeks!!! =( bet lenard they all will go for the 50 percent discount w/o me!!!!

and there are SO MANY SO MANY MAY BABIES!!!! oh no. how how. and these MAY BABIES are really IMPT PPLE. hahas. i must do something for them. hmmm. i m really cracking my brains to do personalised stuff for these IMPT PPLE. hahas.

and i feel really demoralised in my studies. i have never felt like that before. i really cldnt grasp the concepts in maths and bio. argh. it's driving me really crazy. and so i shall go grasp them now. hais.

huiting
i really admired ur courage to do that thing.
i will never be able to do that.
i know i have to come to a decision soon.
but u noe i cant.
i duno how.
but i wont allow myself to get hurt again.
i wont.
my stand is pretty much there already.
i learnt my lesson.
it really hurts.

swimming. studies. no more.

2007-04-29T16:08:00.000+08:00

Replying to Hanxing tag. hahas. eh. i cant copy the things he want me to do. anyway, it's something like 6 perculiar things abt myself.

1) i cant drink milk. i m allergic to it since young. be it cow's milk or goat's milk. i dont drink milk to grow up! >.<

2) i can just cry for no reason.

3) i love cute cute stuff. though i m like 17 plus 18 years old now. hahas. but i still love all those adorable stuff like soft toys! hahas. but i dun like barbie dolls. i like cute cute stuff that can be hugged.

4) i get jealous very easily. really. be it studies, family, friendship or relationships.

5) somewhat like huiyi, i like guys who dressed themselves up formally. like in collar long-sleeved shirts. i think guys look really smart and shuai in this dress code. hahas. that explains why i look forward to the coming NATIONALS VICTORY DINNER. hahas. swim team guys must dress up abit more formal for this dinner like last year! =)

6) i think alot. really ALOT. so much so that i think i will turn insane one day cos of it. hahas.

2007-04-18T03:38:00.000+08:00

life has been pretty much the same these few days. school, den trainings, home, sleep, school and everything repeats. sick of the routine but yahs. just 20 plus weeks to go and i will be freed.

sue got 2nd and 4th in the 800m and 400m events for tj's track and field. so happy and proud of her. hahas. the team cheered like crazy during her 800m event that i felt like i have no voice after the thing. she said that she could her us for the whole event =)

talking abt track and field championships, i was dumb enough to agree to join the 3km run. i nearly died. but yeah. thanks to qien, sue, shuqi and lenard, managed to survive the run and did a above expectation timing. hahas. but i wont do such dumb things ever again. which explains why i refuses to sub verena or xuanyun for their 800m event. no way man. somemore is short dist. sorry.

i have to go back to school for drama after training today!!!!!!!!! like how? and i will be super tired. sobs. and the fact that the back gate will not be opened and i have to walk to the front gate is irritating. and i have equipments to carry which are so heavy!!! GRRRGRRRGRRR.

i felt like i m being driven crazy by you.
i duno what's the meaning of all these and i really wish to know.
i feel so lost towards what you say sometimes.
i duno if it means the truth or was it just a lie or was it just the norm that you would do.
i dun deny that the special feeling is there.
but whenever i take the initiative, u remained laid back.
and when u took the initiative, i chose to reject.
not cos i dun appreciate your efforts,
it's just i duno when i should and when i should not.
you think that my world is complicated to understand,
i think the same of yours too.
i duno how you tried to understand my world and actually know the pple arnd me.
but i realised i cant do the same for you.
i really dun understand your world.
and i really wish that i could understand.

i felt more and more distant from you
and u are colder to me now
i dun wish to ask
but deep in my heart,
i wish to know why.

i may seem not to care
but i actually do
really do.

4 days of training over.

2007-04-05T22:43:00.000+08:00

yeah! rejoice! 4 days of training is finally over. i thought i wldnt survive tru this week. but actually things arent that bad. finally my arms and ankle can rest now~

today's mass swim was quite tiring. i hate sprints sets. u cover less distance but feel more tired. but yeah! Mr Fun's words really made me feel much better. =)

finally after months, i got it!

celebrated sue and rach birthdays ytd. the brownie cake was super nice. if only it is not sinful. i would have snatch the whole thing. hahas. swimmers are recently on a healthy diet for i duno why. and ivan managed to get a refund for the cake cos rach's name was spelt wrongly. hahas. yeah. so we will have another ice-cream treat next fri. woots.

i feel so far from my As sometimes. it's like... after mugging so much and upon getting the qn paper, u still have nth to write. grrr. grrr.

and swimming season is in july. which means my june hols are full of trainings. argh. and everyone's season end by then. except water sports. >.< but i m looking forward to the Penang trip. sounds fun. with fun pple. hahas.

有时我真的很想问为何我们要这样彼此伤害.
这样就能得到快乐吗?
那种因为嫉妒而得到的快乐,
就是你我所谓的"喜悦"吗?

我不想在这样挣扎下去了.
如果你想得到的是那种结果,
那我真的看错了.

我不喜欢被你控制的感觉,
我不喜欢你设法让我吃醋的行为.
好无聊,好幼稚.

training. fought the war.

2007-04-03T21:50:00.000+08:00

had a happy day today :) it has been so long since i felt this kind of happiness. last week was really bad. i was totally in a foul mood like everyday.

i managed to fight my fears and the pain during today's training =) training was horrible last fri. i could nt exert my left hand to pull at all as my chest hurts whenever i do so. the pain was so unbearable. but at least, for today, i managed to fight whatever pain i felt =) really satisfied. and did my PB too! shuqi did hers too! yeah! but my ankle hurts though. argh. >.< ok. stop whining.

rach lim said that we have 39 trainings left before nats. 39 trainings. it's amazing how soon we are leaving the team. training maybe tough and tiring. but i dun feel like leaving the water and the team. how i wish that A levels can just dun exist. perfect world.

i am confused regarding those feelings. i know somehow, part of me is not following the logical mind of mine. are both of us trying to forget what has happened or is stopping the situation from getting worse. i duno. all i know is... u seem to be colder now....

on the other hand, the things that u told me today really touched me =) really brighten up my day.

i really love the life i m living now, apart from the stress from studies. how i wish that time would just stop.

thanks to the many who accompanied and encouraged me through these few days, which were kind of tough for me, due to so many things happening and taking place, draining me bit by bit. but if werent for u all, i guess i wont be able to survive through.

Stay strong. I hope i can.

FISH AND CO! =D

2007-03-23T22:53:00.000+08:00

Finally, i get to eat my first fish and co just now. totally delicious. swordfish collar- filled with guilt but ironically, happiness. cos finally i can indulged in fish and co after craving for it for duno how many times, and contemplating if i should eat since it's so sinful and stuff. though sinful, no regrets for eating. =D

training today was rather alright. except for the IM sets which i din really care to put in effort. i was like an ah pek swimming the IM set.hahas. that's how Mr Fun describe swimmers when they dun put in effort. but i thought i have to do time trial for 800m- broken time trial of 8 X 100m sets. so if i swim those fly, back, breast, free, i can say byebye to my time trial.

in the end, just as my time trial draws near, the rain came!!!

mixed feelings. one part of me wanted time trial, one part of me din wan. i wouldnt deny that i m afriad to know the outcome, just as how glen was afraid of his 200m at the start of training.

as i tried to convince him to be less anxious and worrried abt his time trial, somehow something struck me hard. aint I afriad of what he is afriad of. then how could i convince him when i couldnt even convince myself. but i think more or less, he is settled after some time.

but still, somehow, as i tried to convince him, i realised that i m not convincing myself at all.

i m afriad of the water, the 800m race, the pulling, the freestyle stroke, most imptly, i cant win this war against myself.

CRAP.

anyway, we have come up with a nick- " we quarrel, we fight, but still we unite" cool. hahas.

cos glen kind of make me angry during wed training. so i decided not to talk to him since wed. hahas. managed to do it till when i saw how anxious he was for his time trial. den as swimmers were enjoying biscuits while waiting for the rain to stop, i decided end this stupid war. hahas. so i gave him a biscuit and tada, the nick came in. super hilarious when everyone heard it. but it's pretty cool isnt it. hahas.

it boils down to, what do i really hope to achieve and can i?

just as i tried to convince u, i realised i cant even convince myself.

motivated or not?

2007-03-22T05:06:00.000+08:00

wow. blogging at this weird timing feels weird. hahas.

read someone's blog. it's funny how one contradicts herself. i cant really say much here. not bcos i m afraid she reads it. i know she reads anyway. but well, it's just not the right time.

anyway, i m working towards that goal of scoring As! yupp. am happy abt how motivated i m now. towards studies. currently working hard on LEP which is my weakest subject. dun ask me why. i wanna noe why too. when i really love chinese so much. hahas.

talked to chin hock so much on the bus trip ytd. i just rattle on and on when i feel strongly for something. what are we going to do abt the situation now. i mean not much time is left right. but i understand what he is feeling larhs. but really, i think it's time to really pick ourselves up and put the past behind us. isnt it. but i dun wish to burden anyone abt what i m feeling. esp someone who is unstable also.

training ytd was... hmmm.. 7 words- i m still not giving my best. i duno what's holding me back. but whenever a tough set comes, like 4 x 100m set ytd, i just feel like giving up when i m in the water. i duno why. i know it wont hurt to put in that little bit more effort, but somehow, i just cant. i may seem motivated but i m not.

and mr loh wants us to think of what to swim for nats. at a lost. what should i swim? i m pretty sick of long dist sometyms. cos the feeling of once u jump into the water, u have to complete so many laps just dun feel nice.

ultimately for nats, we are trying to fight for that placing against other schools. we are against other schools isnt it. but why do i feel that we are not. somehow. perhaps it's just cos of a few anyway. it's a competition against other schools ultimately.

mass swim later. i wanna do a time trial. it's time to face up what timing i can really hit adn hence, what events i can really qualify for. but that kind of afraid feeling just hold u back sometimes. no. i m not gg to.

can motivation be a form of medicine which i can indulge in. provide me with that someone.

i really dont wish to see another person who matters so much in my life leaving me again. i really hope that u wont get that call. cos u have always been there for me when i really needed someone to rattle to. i know that decision is for ur own good. it's abt ur future ultimately. nothing is going to hold u back. but i hope, u can stay on and walk this tedious journey with me. i am as afraid as you. but i will stand by u, no matter what ur decision is.

Workshop over.sick.

2007-03-14T21:22:00.000+08:00

My 3 days of workshop is FINALLY over. i am dying from it. i wouldnt say i did not enjoy it. It was rather an enriching experience- helping the elderly. Understood the needs of an elderly better. Went to the nursing home which really makes me feel how fortunate i am and of course, never will i ever leave my parents in a home just like that. The elderly there are so lonely and they really long for someone to talk to them. One of them is so happy over the fact that she has a soft toy cat. cos at least, there is something to accompany her. rather than people whom she duno and how to talk to. and she got really happy when we drew something for her. and a uncle actually cried when we talked to him. but as what Jeremy says, we should empathise rather than sympathise.

and we are supposed to do this prototype on improving needs of the elderly. and my grp won! was so happy. hahas. we really put in much effort to do the prototype. and one of our ideas is actually comparable to a reputable company like the 3M. :)

however, well, life werent that interesting afterall for the past three days. i was worn out like shit. Monday went down for swim team camp after the workshop though i was down with a slight fever. but it was worth the trip.

the "BIG ARGUMENT" game was hilarious. We gave them a list of things to find like Zebra, Chicken's feathers, Banana Skin. hahas. Of course, no one can find this thing off hand just like that. it needs imagination.

so Lenard actually took off his pants to show us that he actually has a bright hot pink swimming trunks when that was just his swimming cap. he said he is hot and that is pink in colour and the fact that it is worn on him= bright hot pink swimming trunks. -_-| but well, he really took off his pants and u know. oh well. it's gross. hahas.

then the Chicken feathers one. Lenard said that he chicken out for the banana skin one since the judges dun approve and so he is a chicken and sherman went to pluck feathers (the actual thing is leaves) from him so that makes the chicken feathers. hilarious.

the Mr Francis' Tong leg hair one was super funny too.

after that, year twos went to buy breakfast for the swimmers. ivan and jiehan bought wine. tasted some. ok. for once, the wine that they bought tasted nice. hahas. it dun have that kind of bitter taste. more of fruit taste.

i tried to sleep for the night but couldnt. daryl tan, chin hock, ivan, sue chee were talking abt so many things which i couldnt sleep at all. and jiehan was POSSESSED. hahas. super hilarious.

the next morning was the workshop again. i was rather inactive for the whole thing. cos i felt really sick. in the end, finally it ended and went home. slept for i duno how long and woke up with a even higher fever. how great. i couldnt go dwn for the class bbq in the end. i heard abt some stuff. but whatever it is, it doesnt really matter, cos comments from those pple who do not really matter to me will of course hold no importance and no weight to me at all. i think u are more of a liar to me. particularly angry at a particular person who made a brainless comment. a hollow brain indeed.

there is training tmr. should i go? i think i will feel even worse if i go. but... i miss training with the swimmers. hmmm.

pics!

Whole crew of the 3rd Drama Competition

The waiter and I =)

HAPPY us at Vi'lage. Not BER-LA-J

Hanxing, Xuande and I at Vi'lage.

Huiyi and i! =) i think it's pretty sweet.

Xuande and I with swensens' Earthquake. i ate it for consequtive two days. so sinful larhs. but it tasted so nice. =P

took b4 hanxing said byebye to us!

Earthquake! it rocks!

href="http://bp3.blogger.com/_naamliGsYz8/Rff9zdqVhZI/AAAAAAAAAFY/scuCSnx771w/s1600-h/10032007041.jpg">
Know why there is so much bubbling/ smoke. Cos clever xuande decided to explore the thing at the centre by opening it and pouring water into the whole thing. and tada. it starts bubbling and a whole lot of smoke came out. he even wanted to put chilli. --_-|

march hols coming.

2007-03-10T00:33:00.000+08:00

FINALLY. TEN WEEKS GONE. I M TIRED. REALLY TIRED.

i duno how my life would be like when term two comes.

anyway, i am really happy today (: for some reasons. hahas.

but i m suffering from withdrawal symptoms of no training. din manage to go down for training cos of drama stuff. i really missed training and wanted to go down so much. but well, i wouldnt be able to make it back for rehearsal on time. but joined the swimmers for dinner at Fish and CO. i MUST try their food soon! the sword fish of glen's look so nice. *temptation* but i CANT EAT. cos i din train! >.<
but delifrance rocks too! hahas. there were so many nice pastries today. we should go down to parkway for dinner after training larhs. the food there is more happening and delicious.

it was swensens after Fish and CO.- Ivan's treat. this time we chose the right flavours for our Earthquake. hahas. i couldnt control my laughter at Swensens at all larhs. it was really funny. Glen's levis JEANS = GENES, the "running" thing, the road run thing, the guess we have for prom, hahas. really funny. ok. i cant laugh so much.

I think i cant do w/o training with the swimmers, without lunch/dinner with them, w/o crapping with them. i will suffer from serious withdrawal symptoms once i cant train or eat with them. we will never grow sick of each other. (:

people whom i cant live w/o with.

love her to bits.

fianlly huiwen is taking photos with us!

CNY- LAO YU SHENG

the three who nv stops zi-lian-ing. hahas.

Undyingly, our friendship progresses with time, the ones that we know we can truely rely on r the CCHS gang, an invisible yet strong bonds that stretches thru boundaries and globe. Its really hard to come by, probably the 1 & only in our lifetime. Am sure deep in, all of us felt the same too, its there. The Source of Assurance. Somewhr n how, we know we have been missed as we miss one another too.
-credits to Xuande.

HALF DAY GONE! BOO!

2007-03-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

PICTURES OF NTU SURF AND SWEAT 2007 =)

ME with my JACK AKA ROSE.

ME with SUE!

Let's have another shot! *cheese*

Ok. the LAST one. >.<

Swimmers at NTU SURF AND SWEAT 2007! =) oh excluding the CHIN KAI behind. hahas. the person who take off his pants in the middle of the footpath when everyone was racing. of course he got wear something else lahs. but it just look obseen. hahas.

my half day today was gone just like that. BOO!

training after a half day is never nice. you see everyone going home and waving goodbye to you and ask, why aint u going home.

pyramid sets for training. din realise that it was a pyramid until like the 3 x 100m sets when we fall back down. i could not remember what exactly did we do. all i remembered was putting in fins, paddles, taking them out and putting them in again. and the many IM sets which i dread. everytime when i swim IM, it just feel like i m like going for a leisure swim. Cos i just dont wanna waste my energy doing a set that i know i just cant make it. Alright. perhaps my mentality is so wrong.

However, the 5 x 100m freestyle made me felt really trained. all the lactic acid build up. a great sense of satisfaction after doing it (:

Mr Loh's sets are getting more and more interesting. hahas.

and i m really happy about something that happened (:

i could not overcome that barrier at all. all those negative thoughts just kept coming in when... yah. oh well. how great.

seeing the Alevels results on fri got me really motivated. perhaps not for the main subjects. i wanna brush up my weaker subjects and get those As. but it's really scary should your name dun appear in the 3As or 4As category when u wanted it so much. HAIX. >.< i shall be a mugger from now on! yeah. like real. hahas.

yeah! meeting up with huiyi, xuande and hanxing on sat. i just love meeting them up. cos it's 101% fun! perhaps chung cheng pple just relate better. hahas. how i wish they are in TJ or something. so i can see them like everyday. then huiyi will zilian with me everyday. and crap with me everyday. hahas. i just love them to bits.

someone was really sad and unhappy today. and when i asked the reason, you said nothing. but i know you felt something. wanted to drop u a msg to ask what happened, but i guessed u would keep quiet abt it. hope that u will cheer up! =)

going back to drama brings me so much memories. the stages which i have acted in. awww. the people who walked and leave footprints in my life.

if only.

2007-02-24T22:47:00.000+08:00

Photos with SWEETIE!

i guess things wont get better and i dont know how.

the many crossroads which i am faced with. i really dont know which one to choose. how i wish that i could just predict the future and decide the path from here.

i miss her all of a sudden. it jus kind of dawn upon me that perhaps i wouldnt be so lost with her around. cos it was always her who provided me with support last year, the stressful period before promos. it was she who proved to me that the hard work will not be to no avail. but everything ended just like that. and i duno why. she was such a mature gurl. but i will never forget that phone call. the last call which we had. and i regretted not picking up that call this year. perhaps that call could change what it is now.

if only i could turn back time... and if only i could predict ur thoughts..

你为什么选择了放弃，为什么你总是为别人着想，但从没想过自己．．．也许也就因为如此，我才会那么惦记你．．．因为在这虚假的世界，只又你仍然选择相信这世界是美好的，你选择用真诚去感动我那已绝望的心．但是你的离开，又狠狠地把我从美梦唤醒．．．原来那美好的你是不存在的，我太天真了．．．

我很累．．．真的快要窒息了．．仿佛觉得我一经不知道什么是享受，什么是快乐，什么是真正从心里的微笑．．．已经好久没有那单纯的快乐．．．

我已失去了斗志，我不想在斗下去．．但我发现，原来人们只会利用你的弱点来狠狠地攻击你，攻击你那没防备的心．．．当脆弱的心已一次又一次地受到打击，又何从能复活，去相信人是善良的，是真诚的，为你所做的一切是没有心机的，是不要求回报的．为何我所面对的人（某些人）总是那么地不简单，所做的每一件事，表面上是要激励你，其实是要趁你不注意时，狠狠地咬你一口，把你的皮拨了，让你的肉体受尽折磨，让你的心灵无法承受那残酷的事实．．．

信念与信任，我曾经是如此地崇拜它们，但渐渐地发现，原来它也是背叛的其中只一．．．

CNY with huiyi and gang

2007-02-20T23:05:00.000+08:00

CNY with huiyi and gang! really love to spend time with them. they never fail to brighten ur day. no matter how down u may feel. esp with WU XUANDE arnd! hahas. thanks for being so chirpy and always lifting the spirits up! and huiyi too! sure can crap with Xuande! i wanna be both of your UNI mates soon!

i think the lightings of this pic is really nice and natural! huiyi and me at sakae!

Xuande and I. He is trying to be a model for his newly bought bag. >.<

Huiyi and Xuande trying to be models for their respective bags. hahas. this is funny.

finally huiwen agreed to take photos!!! she is camera shy! hahas. RIVER ANGBAO! i played my first bumper car here!

XUANDE SCARY FACE!

it is supposed to be a stupid pic following xuande's face. did we succeed or is does xuande looks stupid-ier?hahas

last pic in the mrt, before we bade goodbye! I din manage to give huiyi and xuande a hug as we were in the train. hmmm. wonder when will we meet again? *BIG BIG HUGS*

CUTE AARON and me! he is really really good in ENGLISH and really really a clever kid. he wants to be a a pilot when he grows up so that he could fetch my aunt and cousins from Shanghai to Singapore. SO SWEET.

my chio bu cousin! she is really really a pretty gurl. dont u agree? hahas.

Mummy and I!

Putting up some of the vday pics~

all the presents! letters, food, flowers blah blah blah.

the really nice sunflower which the swim team guys gave. and i really wonder if i should eat it soon

FOOD!

ROAD RUN 2007 =)

2007-02-17T13:35:00.000+08:00

yeah! i ran for road run! hahas. i m satisfied with the timing bah i guess. =) but it would be better if i werent sick. sighs.

din manage to go kushin.bo as i was running a fever after the run. sorry gurl. =(
and i regretted running for road run cos my condition worsened after the it. but anyway, now that it is finally gone, i felt that i made the right choice to run! =)

and angeline, when would u meet up with qien these few days? =P

and finally i confirmed my doubts regarding something. i have tried to change my views, my perspective, my attitude and whatever it takes to help. but apparently, well, some brainless fellows just wont appreciate it. since my doubt has been confirmed, i have found my motivation (= i have kind of fulfilled the promise i made to myself last year. in a way, i have succeeded in a way or another. i will build on what i have now.

for once, i believed that it doesnt pay to be kind

Vday was a blast.

2007-02-15T21:46:00.000+08:00

Vday was a blast. =) except that i din really enjoyed it to the fullest cos i felt so awful b4 chem spa. and i really thought that i m just going to flunk my chem spa which makes up 5% of A's. cos i couldnt rem the facts at all and am trying to cope with the awful feeling inside me. luckily everything went well. but i could not train in the end. felt so weak during the sets that i decided to stop training. and the fact that i have ALOT of lessons on thurs and road run on fri! i want to do a better timing!

i learnt a lesson. never try too much of ur vday present. cos u will fall sick as u are eating too much heaty food. >.<

anyway, Vday started off with the exchanging of gifts. Hope that all were satisfied with my gifts. ok. if it really tastes not nice, must tell me kaes. at least i can improve. rather than having the delusion that i could make. eh... cookies and chocolates? hahas. ok. but am glad that all were satisfied and said that it was nice. =))

anyway, the surprise that huiting was saying was that ELVIN KOH SENT ROSES TO ALL THE PEOPLE OF PAE 2406. thanks for being so sweeeettttt. i bet u really lived on bread cos of it. but still, thanks so much,really. sighs. how i wish u were still in TJ. MISS U LOADS. i miss the first three months we had together!!!!! ok. i will arrange a get together dinner soon~
and i want to give u ur VDAY present. is there a postman for it???!!!! hahas.

another sweet event was the swim team guys actually went on stage to sing "My Love" during lunch. i knew that Mr Loh wouldnt call us to meet at 1230 at marquee! hahas. and so it was cos the swim team guys wanted to sing a song. anyway, the song was really nice and Jie Han could really sing. =D and the sunflower which the guys gave was really nice too. cant bear to eat it. but i guessed it would be rotten if we dont eat it soon. LOL.

also, qiling, eunice, jiahui and peifen did cookies for the whole class. their cookies were superb. really really nice. It makes u really want more once u eat one. and i ate like 2-3? hahas. sinful sinful. but their cookies are really really really nice. =D thanks for baking and the letters and the peg (is it call peg)? >.<

thanks to sixuan and verena, six and four years of friendship respectively. got "tortured" by si xuan for SIX YEARS!!! hahas. ok larhs. she is a nice person. just that she tends to disturb u when she knows how to. =P

the most creative present was by qien. his letter was wrote on SUBWAY TISSUE PAPER. cos he did not have any postcards left and we were in the library. so he decided to write on tissue paper. but it looks quite nice though. =D

yawen and fenglin's letters were nicely done up. =)

huiting, thanks for the cookies! though i haven tried it as i cant eat anything now. hahas. and the letter and coordinating with elvin to plan the surprise for pae cg2406 pple. though u are really bad not to tell me what is the surprise and tempting me to try to find out. u jus love torturing pple. =P

jiayi, thanks for the erm. i really duno what's the name of the flower. yeah. our friendship withstood the test of time and will forever stand no matter what. =)

sue chee's keychain was really creative. i really pei fu her skills in art man. so nicely done and practical. will hang it around. but just scared that it will be spoilt being a clumsy me~ >.<

and there were alot of foodies. and they are tempting me every moment. so feel like eating them. but well, i cant. >.< daddy nagged at me for 7 times, repeating the same old sentence for eating heaty food and getting sick. oh well.

the only bad thing that happened on VDAY was the fact that we have chem spa and i cant join the swimmers during training and for dinner.

i want to hear the many stories.

perhaps, i m really disappointed about what i heard though i still do not know the insides of it. but still, i duno. perhaps i m just holding on cos i know i have to.

thanks for the care and concern. it really means alot esp when u feel lost.

i m feeling really awful. should i run? sighs. i want a gd timing. ARGH.

i shouldnt have gone to sch today. ARGH.

2007-02-12T13:38:00.000+08:00

Everytime when i opened the window in blogger, i m at a lost of what to type. Have a lot to type actually. but just well, lose all the thoughts everytime i opened this window.

Have been thinking if i should continue working hard for that goal. I am really motivated from inside. but everytime, once i touched it, i lost all the motivation, the goals, the passion. To believe it or not, I am scared of it now. i dont want to enter it. i am going for the sake of another goal. but not that destination. would i say that i am tired. not exactly. but am afraid to know the results. to know that all my hard work would be to no avail. to know that i cant reach that goal. that goal is really far. really really far. i duno how am i going to improve till the point that i could achieve what i expected of myself and what people expect of me.

it makes u feel even more suffocated when no one understands what u are going through, thinking that u could make it eventually. when no, u jolly know that u couldnt. I dont want to disappoint those who have high hopes of me, i really dont want. but my limits are really reached. i have really tried. but i dont know what exactly is holding me back to try harder. I really dont know and really really desperately wish to know.

all those negative thoughts start coming once i enter it. i couldnt get it off my mind. i know it is affecting me greatly. but those negative thoughts just haunt me once i enter till i leave. how m i supposed to perform my peak. I really dont know. sometimes, i wonder, perhaps i should give up cos it would mean nothing in the end. but on the other hand, i wanna work hard cos there is that teeny weeny possibility that i could achieve something that i have never know.

i am really in a dilemma. i know i have to make a decision soon.but who can. when u are faced with two different perspectives which you may or may not achieve.

SIGH. time is running out.

on another note, just saw something on huiyi's blog which what she said is really true. at least, widening one's social circle tru clubbing is definitely not a sensible option. What exactly is the friendship through clubbing build on? and girls stooping themselves so low just to get a free drink?

Well, too many things have happened for the past week which really sets me thinking.

and something happened which really made me feel that i have to be mean towards some pple who just dont have brains and have only put themselves at the centre of the world, never thinking of other people's feelings.

and on a happier note, angeline could come tj to join us le! yeah! =D so happy for qi en and her. they are able to be in the same college. and angeline could help us with someone. LOL. =)

i hope my Vday present could succeed. and yw asked me if i m making someth special which really sets me thinking if i should.

and stupid huiting refuses to tell me what's the thing that is really so special that is going to happen on WED. GRR.

2007-02-02T23:38:00.000+08:00

i m LOST. what are my goals? what exactly do i want? i duno.

living tru each week in school is hell to me.

2007-02-01T20:29:00.000+08:00

finally the three tests are over. was damn stressed ytd. so much so that i reached my breaking pt. nvm about that. what past is past.

ytd training's was really special. the swimmers dropped off at the jetty that brings you to BMTC and "walk" back to tj. 16km in total. and actually it's not walk. cos mr fun's speed for walking is my jogging can. feel like dying when walking on the grass patch that stretches over changi airport's runway. i was practically running all the way. felt really tired. but well, we have to endure it through. then after walking on the grass patch (which only have sand and twigs deem as interesting), we finally see interesting things like SAFRA RESORT, the beach, traffic lights. ya. for once, i miss seeing the traffic lights. cos u imagine walking along a LONG LONG stretch of road with nth but a whole patch of grass in front of you, and cars zoom past you and long vehicles too.

managed to brace myself for the last few km from east coast park to tj. really dying at that pt of time. could feel a huge buildup of lactic acid in my legs. oh i walked past the Safra Resort in which 2GR chalet was held. everything was the same. the scenery is still as nice.

and finally we reached tj's back gate at 0700pm. ya. our target. and we did it. 2hrs and 45mins of running plus walking, covering 16km in total, with the swimmers who make it possible. and mr fun too. -D

but my legs hurt so much now. i cant walk properly. i hope my legs could recover soon. cos finally tmr is water training. it has been so long since i enter the water. i love the water. esp the clean water in ITE SIMEI.

i am not alright when i smile. that was a fake smile afterall.

2007-01-26T21:36:00.000+08:00

felt so drained after this week. it's like i m practically staying back after school EVERYDAY and have so many things to do. wad's worse. there are THREE tests next week. like wth. cant they spread it out. damn stressed. and my weekends are kind of busy.

have been in a dilemma on whether to continue with H3 chem. i mean i really enjoyed the lessons. it's really really interesting. but i really have no time if i continue taking it. and i m sure gonna compromise my H2s cos of it. it's not that it has alot of tutorials to be completed, but the fact that it makes my hrs in school VERY LONG. i duno. i made so much effort just to be able to take it. and now. i duno how. HAIZ. i dread march coming. cause it means that i really have to make a decision on whether to carry on taking it or not.

din really have much training this week as mon has H3 and wed distributing flyers. it was quite fun. =) hmmm. time with the swimmers are like getting lesser cause of the many commitments that each of us have. today's training motivated me alot i would say. but i duno why. i felt really tired during the run. it's like, somehow i dun have the energy to run at all. and "stitch" sucks like hell. but was proud that yeah. ran ten rounds round the track in a day. if not for the stupid rain in the morning, could have ran more.

really surprised at how things have turned out since school reopens. am really glad that we are back together, having fun, mugging together, discussing homework together and the many more things. i hoped that things would stay this way. i guessed that it was really wrong on my side to neglect you all. alright. i will not pangseh u all so much anymore. but not exactly pangseh. but well, like leave u all aside and went away with others i guess.

my arms are aching.

STRESSED. HAIZ.

i have like a zillion and one things to do. and being someone with short term memory, i really cant remember so many things and my time is really limited.

the stupid CIP thing is getting on my nerves. it's like the library dun respond at all. and they refer me to some stupid shit helpline when i actually have already given them my request. and they dun bother to make sure that there is space for us to do CIP.

sometimes, i m given so much tasks to do that i really forgot everything.

i m tired. but still trying to fight on.

dilemma. what exactly are my goals? will i be going after something impossible?

i m tired of talking. jus feel like shutting up.

2007-01-14T21:35:00.001+08:00

JIAYOU PPLE.

the reason that i m staying on is motivating me. yupp. i MUST and WILL work doubly hard. even how hard it is. =)

2007-01-14T21:35:00.000+08:00

JIAYOU PPLE.

the reason that i m staying on is motivating me. yupp. i MUST and WILL work doubly hard. even how hard it is. =)

2007-01-12T23:20:00.000+08:00

too emotional.
too irrationale.
too dramatic.
too bothered by things that may not matter.
not focusing on what should be done.
too bothered by someone.

demoralised.
frustrated.
irritated.

worried. emotional. depressed. regrets.

unable to come to a decision.

mixed feelings.

i hate that feeling of liking someone and willing to do so many things for that someone when it's not worth it at all.

2007-01-06T22:52:00.000+08:00

School has started for three days. could feel the pressure building up as each day passed by. sighs.

Station master with huiting on the second day of school. time passed pretty quickly. hahas. and i was enjoying my cha2 guan3 when the first og came. the year ones are pretty enthu as compared to our batch. and seeing them go through orientation brings back so many memories, esp with the "Royalties" clique. i still miss u all!!!

got to know that i was selected for LEP H3 ytd. GRR. what's the point of taking a H3 for a subject that i am already trying to cope with its H2 syllabus. i m just not going to take it. haven't been able to find the VPs or peng lao shi to tell them that i don't want it. sighs. but i got a gut feeling that i would have to take it in the end. whatever. i will just drop it somewhere in the year. i m not going to waste my time on a sub that i have no interest in at all. NOT EVEN A BIT OF INTEREST TO TALK ABOUT. i love chinese, but not LEP, and moreover, not the H3 syllabus.

cha2 guan3 is pretty interesting. but it took me pretty long to figure out what exactly is it taking about. why cant teachers give us a notes on all the background info cum chinese history that we have to know before making us read the text. LEP could be made much easier when we know chinese history. i think the syllabus for LEP should include a section of chinese history. things would be much easier this way. sadly, background info is assumed to be in our minds somehow.

Fashion show for the swim team ytd was alright i guessed. i duno. hahas. received different comments regarding it. but the guys' part was really hilarious.

someone called me on thurs which i chose not to pick up. the call came while i was taking my nap. normally i would pick it up. or rather i expect myself to jump at that call when i saw the name. but apparently, i chose to miss it and did not return the call after i woke up. i duno why m i reacting this way. i thought i have always wanted that person to call me but apparently, now, i dont. i duno why. perhaps i dun have that special feeling to talk about anymore. and somehow, i guessed, things would be better this way?

pretty satisfied with the things which i did today. =) though i got really frustrated halfway.

the venue for ivan's party could not be fixed. sorry about the function room thing. argh. hope glen could get the function room. if not, perhaps i shall go and find robin to help. hmmm.

i m pretty scared of facing that kind of failure. i spent so much time on it. i hoped things are still the same. i duno. i m really scared. kept thinking about it. hoping that i could find an answer to it soon.

hmmm. shall go read cha2 guan3 stuff again. yawns. so many political stuff. chim-mi-lo-gy.

and hope that those around me who are going through serious mood swings could cheer up =) i m always here for u!

and those who are sick could get well soon!(*hint hint* to huiting who refuses to see a doc though she felt like vomiting for four days and have no appetite for these days. tsk tsk.)

AND the most demoralising thing this week is: i couldnt lose any weight!! and i duno why. >.< sobs.

independence come with growing up.

2007-01-01T22:50:00.000+08:00

bade farewell to year 2006. this year, i would say, it's the most fruitful year in my 17yrs of life. i experienced and tried out many new things that i have never dared to in the past. year 2006, a year which i lived my life like never before.

i really enjoyed this year to the fullest. i m no longer a mugger like in cchms. managed to juggle btw work and play. i wouldnt say i did it really well judging from my promos results. but i m proud to say that at least i manage to make the best out of both worlds.

and i have never imagined to be in a swim team when year 2006 starts. ok. the achievement which i was really proud of in year 2006 is my weight loss. i hoped i wont gain back. and working to my ideal. as wad i told rach, once i reached my ideal, i wld treat her to someth. i guessed that day would be the happiest day of my life. that is only when i reached my ideal. one year of losing weight and more to come. thanks to those who encouraged me along the way, esp sue.

there were alot of ups and downs this year. relationships. i forged alot of new friendships but lost some along the way. which we have yet to have a talk about.

adaptations. entering tjc was a totally new experience. having to adapt to the different environment and the different people. at the start, i was quite pessismistic about it even b4 sch reopens. but gradually, i managed to look at things with different perspective and finally managed to lead that kind of life which i have always wanted to.

as for the complicated emotions which i have this year, shan't elaborate on it.

many thoughts. too many to write it down. so here are the photos. it's ALOT. hahas.

it began with the NYE 2005 Countdown at marche and esplanade with huiyi, xuande, chun, daniel and edwin.

a good start to the year with fireworks~

den it was the first three months in tj with former 2406. the many memories.
IXODUS ROCK ON!

The outing after we knew where each of us wld be headed to, who would be leaving tj, who would be staying on.

the FIDEL CASTRO skit which we worked so hard for.

clique outing day.the overnight stay at airport. we enjoyed ourselves in the airport. the laughters. the noises we made. memorable.

the birthdays former cg24/06 celebrated together

the bday of wu gui and he ma celebrated by the pool. the bbq. the pushing of he ma into the water. hahas.

CG24/06

the birthday which goldfish planned for me. thanks alot.

neoprints took with goldfish on 19/08/06. u made me felt really touched

the people who spent the first second of my 17 year old with me. thanks alot.

i have always wanted to know the reason why things turned out this way. but apparently, it seems that things have changed. i m hoping that we could face the problems one day.

the sentosa trip which ray wanted so much b4 olevels. yeah. we had fun. but. still. i dun understand alot of things. i jus hope that we could have a talk.

the june camp of tjc swim team in which many things happened. still, i missed the camp. the training maybe tough. but we endured it through. and that sentence told by someone will be forever etched in my mind. jiayou for next year nats!

the competition which we worked so hard for. *nationals 2006*
water is my life! =)

victory dinner after nationals!

the thailand trip which i din blog about in the end. thailand trip with papa and mama. it was alright. but there were alot of ups and downs which well, kind of make me dun feel like going thailand anymore.

the dunking donuts which i bought for the swimmers from thailand. hoped they like it!

see the brown colour shirt in this pic? i tink guys wld be pretty handsome dressing up in that shirt. hahas. it was being spotted in thailand during my trip.

first shopping trip with my darlings. shuqi aka jack aka rose is not in the pic though. felt really blessed to meet them in the swim team. really glad to know them. the many moments which we had together. the many crazy things we did. the many heart to heart talks we shared. and of course many more. thanks for brightening up my life.

first time going clubbing. went with the swimmers. all of us except sue did not bring our IC along!!!! went home to get IC and went back to MOS again. hahas. we started partying at 10pm when we actually reached there at 7 plus. jus cos we forgt our IC. hahas. it was fun out with the swimmers till the next morning. it's the company that matters. =)

i couldnt upload pics about this "event" which we went for some reasons. =X though i really wanted to upload the pics, but better be on the safe side. it was a first time experience for everyone. thanks to that someone for giving us this experience. =) i miss that day man!

the friendship which withstood the test of time. we celebrated our bdays together this year. WE MUST CELEBRATE TOGETHER EVERY YEAR OK? though we may not have the tym to meet up often, but u all know how much our friendship stands. =) 5 years of friendship, linked by a simple dream.

celebrated mummy's birthday! yeah! whole family photo!

handsome papa in bangkok =D

the chinatown in bangkok

on the plane leaving singapore for bangkok. i miss that feeling.

kaiting's chalet. yeah. met up with the cchms pple. and of course the beloved teachers aka mr lee and huang lao shi!

kbox session after watching cdc drama performance! ah! CDC!!!

and the cycle repeats, with 2006 NYE countdown at esplanade. same venue. providing a few snapshots below. hahas. will blog about it soon. a really memorable countdown with huiyi, huiwen, xuande and hanxing. thanks for making my day. u guys rocks.

huiwen taking photos for us! enjoyed the dinner at vila'ge. pls xuande. it's VILA'GE not BER-LA-J. when huiyi and i saw the message, we totally pengz and LOL.

huiwen closes her eyes when taking pic >.<

the four of us at marina sq! this pic is damn nice can. SWEET.

and 2006 ended. with fireworks to start off year 2007.

my goals for 2007:

1) to mug hard. i want the As for my A levels.
2) to try not to compromise my social life cos of studies.
3) to reach my ideal weight.
4) to stay happy.

=)

i could only think of those aims for now.

hols are ending and sch reopens. no matter how much i dread it. things are going to happen anyway. but i really hope that this year wouldnt be so stressful and hope when i blog about year 2007 on jan 1 2008, it wld be an even more fruitful year!

live life to the fullest!

2006-12-29T00:43:00.000+08:00

year twos swimmers' farewell today. rach, me, shuqi, daryl, chin hock were late for like 1 hr plus. lols. got ivan his present. i like to see the happy faces when pple say they like the present. =)

and something really embarrassing happened to me before i meet rach. it's really embarrassing. only my three darlings know it. lols. and i wonder did i speak too loudly that others know it too. i mus really really learn how to speak discreetly from now on. glen actually heard something which was not meant to be heard by him. so paiseh. but anyway, i really did not want anything from anyone cos the presents are jus small tokens. hope u all like it bahs.

the pencil box was really nice. i din expect rach to take my words that seriously. it was jus a casual remark. but mum actually washed the Billabong pencil box for me already. should i use theirs? kinda cant bear to use the pencil box by them cos it's really meaningful. really love it loads.

the food was nice too. ate alot. ok. i cant lose the momentum to lose weight! but the food was really tempting.

ktw at ivan's club was fun but too short. guessed we went down too late. sue sang the song. really nice. got pretty emo during the ktv. sometyms, u jus wish to cry ur heart out. talked to zenia about quite a no. of things. thanks for approaching. it jus makes u feel better.

beer was pretty bitter. i guessed if there was wine, i would have drank it and wldnt mind getting another hangover. got pretty tempted to drink more of the beer. but it's too bitter.

wanted to go Balcony but could not enter due to the new underage rule. kinda miss the clubbing session which we had on the 26th of nov. how we tried to persuade rach to stay on was really funny. we kept pulling her. i tink if there was someone looking at us, he will tink that rach is being raped by us. lols.

starbucks for discussion for fashion show. sounds alright. hope that it wld be a success.

i dun wanna be a year two. cos life is gonna sucks so much next year. the stress, the expectations, the work load, the burden blah blah blah. i wanna live in my lala land. i dun wan hols to end. though everyday has been a kind of routine to me and i m getting pretty sick of hanging out, but at least, there is no stress.

there is a danger in loving somebody too much.
love jus aint enough.

whee~

2006-12-23T23:24:00.000+08:00

whee~ had a fun fun tym at kaiting, huiyi and xuande's chalet ytd. as usual, their chalet is well-planned and the food totally rocks. mr lee is a great cook. i tasted the best ever bbq stingray ytd. it's jus delicious. oh and huiwen brought oreo cheesecake and brownies there (prepared by herself) and it's so tasty that u cant resist it. but well, if i eat all the brownies, i tink i will gain all my wt back. so i tried to not look at the brownies and cheesecakes. hahas.

the oreo cheesecake~

the brownies~

me and xuande. he is so different from the past. he slimed down alot alot alot. he knows alot about diet and he taught me toning! though i haven really put it into practice. will do it when sch reopens.hahas. and he said that i slimed down too~ lalala. =) thanks~!

huiyi and i~ i love this pic alot. though it's abit dark. all the nice pics are in huiyi's 3.2 mega pixels handphone! send me send me send me! lol.

the cute mr lee and xuande. mr lee was like saying he dun wanna stand bside xuande anymore. cos in the past, they used to look the same. now not anymore. if u get wad i mean. so mr lee is trying to pose in such a way that he will look the same as xuande. lol.

href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/7645/509/1600/708518/IMG_5108.jpg">
they look like a happy family to me, cooking dinner.FOR ME. lol.

we were trying to do a funky pose. but all those nice ones that we took are in huiyi's 3.2 mega pixels handphone. not alot of nice ones in my cam. shall wait for her to send me.

so these are the people!

and hunag lao shi! hahas. she remembered me. cos of the esplanade performance. ya. that role that i acted. so many memories man.

totally love chung cheng to bits. catching up with these cchms pple and teachers makes ur heart filled with warmth and happiness. that kind of familiar feeling and atmosphere. miss chung cheng. miss the four years. miss the many stages that i have acted on, especially the esplanade stage. miss the people. miss the teachers!

i tink huiyi, xuande and yongkuan should really go and set up an "organising chalet" company. they are really pro at organising. no disappointment when u have them. guaranteed. hahas.

thanks to all, esp huiyi and xuande for giving me such a wonderful night.

"no matter wad happens, we still love u"
quoted from huiyi and xuande. =)

i dun wish to be bothered by those stuff anymore. it's not worth it. wad's the point of shedding tears when there is no appreciation shown at all. wadever larhs. pissed.

and shuqi, u are such a darling man. hahas. dun float on the cloud too much. later u fall kaes. =P

whee. i love festive season. that kind of atmosphere. yeah!
and yahs, certainly looking forward to the many meetups with the many pple that are happening next week!

and to all LEP students : Peng lao shi wants all LEP students to read the blogs of young members of parliament as there will be a survey conducted next year.

2006-12-20T23:10:00.000+08:00

i still duno how. i really feel like giving up. it keeps bothering me. makes me think of so much things. hais. like how. i really duno. i really lost the feel. trying to get it back. SIGH. i duno how. and it's irritating when it keeps bothering u.

i love those talks with shuqi. no wonder she is my rose. haha. understanding and caring. love u to bits. it has been so so so so long since i see u can!!! hope to see her for the last training. but nevertheless, i will see her anyway. =)

happy to meet up with jiayi today. it has been ages since we met and really go out. shared some thoughts with her. withdrawal symptoms sucks. yahs. no one like to suffer from it. hope she is recovering.

perhaps i took ur words too seriously. but it jus kinda irritates me sometyms. but well, ok. it's my problem.

two different worlds can never exist. i understand that. but i m sinking deeper when i chose not to believe at times. just controlling. hais.

i love the autopilot feeling. cos it makes u feel that u could really jus cut tru the water freely. it makes u forget the many troubles that u have. it lets u float away to ur lala land. but that autopilot feeling is hard to get.

i still haven get a present for him.

2006-12-16T20:53:00.001+08:00

have u ever cried and duno the reason why.

i duno why. really duno wad triggered those tears. it's jus empty empty and empty.

thought about quite a no. of things as i walked back that familiar path. sometimes, i really feel like giving up so much. it's like wad's the point of holding on when u know that there wont be a happy ending eventually. wad's the use of spending so much time, so much effort when it's nothing in the end. it kinda demoralised me. i expected this to come after my thailand trip. but i din expect it to come so soon, so fast that i duno how to manage it. i really feel like giving up. i really wanna give up. cos i see no light in the end. i duno. i m kind of at my wits' end. i have done whatever i can to improve the situation. but now. i m kinda run out of solutions. and i duno how. the passion, the love has kind of died. it makes u feel like a weakling. no matter how much i try, it would still mean nth in the end. then wad's the point of holding on.

"do u like being drenched in the rain"
"no. why would u like to be drenched"
"cos it would kind of make u feel that ur troubles are being washed away with the rain"

i cant help thinking why i m such an emotional person. sometimes, i would rather be someone who dun think so much. it kind of struck me that i m jus plain silly to think that my troubles would be washed away by the rain. sometimes, it makes u feel even worse.

it kind of reminded me why i treasured the frenship with yawen so much. cos during the first three months, we would share this kind of silly thinkings with each other. and would tear for reasons that pple would never think of. but things aren't the same anymore. for some reasons.

i miss the ROYALTIES clique.
*yawen, feng ling, huiting, qien, darren, elvin, clarence, huiyi, janet, robin, huimin" i miss my dearest huiting who is in taiwan now. i miss the first three months. i miss the times when we have so many outings. steamboat, overnight stay at airport, bbq, k-box sessions blah blah blah. the overnight stay at the airport was the most wonderful ever. the games we played, the noise we made, the laughter we had. we are just an emotional lot. that would think so much regarding simple things.

the "note-taking princess" misses each and everyone of u. especially elvin, clarence and janet, who left tj.

i m starting to accept the fact that we are from two different worlds. but have not really accepted it fully yet. i hoped i m given the time to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

i wanna be a strong gurl, a happy gurl that could face up to the harsh reality of life. but i guess, i couldnt at the moment. unless i can kill the emotional side of mine.

"have u ever felt that there is this inner self of yours that wish to stand out"

yes. i did.

in no mood to blog about the thailand trip and the many things that happened. next time bahs.

2006-12-07T21:10:00.000+08:00

yeah! my thailand trip! the long awaited one. feel pretty excited but cant bear to leave singapore. though it's not a very long trip, but considering the fact that i see the swimmers everyday for this hols, it's kinda sad that i wont see them everyday now. =(

ytd training was alright. except the 6 x 100m set. i felt so much like giving up after the 2nd set. cos i totally cant catch my breath. and i only have 10 seconds of rest in btw each set. but thanks to the swimmers. made me hang on till the very last set. i really thought that i wouldnt be able to make it.

thanks for the LONG LONG LUNCH ytd. it's really nice. vi'lage food rocks. though i ate wedges only. haha. and glendon and ivan let me try theor ice cream crepes totally awesome. ivan kept saying how heavenly the rosti and ice cream crepes were. haha.

and since it was near somerset, went down to ivan's club to ktv! the lists of songs are so many that i m kinda lost at wad to sing. haha. and neritta singing rocks. Gurl, sing more! dun be shy. my singing queens : ms sue and neritta. both of their singing is excellent. dun believe, hear them sing and u will certainly agree with me.

oh and neritta goggles is really cute. cos it's kinda reflective. it makes me see the world differently. haha. i love her goggles. will get one should i see the same one. =)

as usual, have heart to heart talks too~ we chatted for like one plus hr to two hrs. wow.haha.

went down to fish and co just now to meet up with the swimmers too. haha. actually didnt plan to meet them since ivan was there and we couldnt discuss wad we want. but i just well. wanna spend more tym with the swimmers. so went down anyway. discussed about the party thing. i tink the cost would be pretty high. but the food looked nice. hees. and then the swimmers went down to far east. guessed they are still shopping now? lol.

i m so glad that my gurl talked to me again. =) really really sorry for not telling u about the lunch-ing thing. really sorry. but am really glad that things are like the past before i fly off. or else i would keep thinking and thinking, worrying and worrying.

i couldnt do much work. have been spending tym playing. =( dun think i can go out that much after i come back to thailand. school is going to reopen and hafta study le. =(

hope the swimmers enjoy lunch with trixie, ying jie and samuel tmr!

jiayou swimming pple~!

miss the swimmers, trainings, lunch-ing, partying and so many more!

and hope i could buy alot alot alot of stuff from thailand. haha. i m going there prepared with money! lol.

2006-12-05T19:05:00.000+08:00

gym today. pretty slack. >.< Just kinda chatting away while gyming. lol. but very satisfied with my bench press. though i duno if i cheated on some of it or not. hope to lift higher than 33 kg next time. =)

yeah. i want my long long lunch with the swimmers tmr! i hope many could make it. just wanna spend more time together with them. i guessed some would noe the reason why.

thanks my dear shuqi (rose) for giving me so much assurance that nothing would happen. thanks for being such a darling. u sounded so serious when we ended the phone call. but nevertheless, thanks for everything. it really means alot. i really hoped i wont feel that bad after i come back from thailand. love u to bits.

mugging with sebas was quite alright. but he tempted me with fries. and i ate. >.< hees. uh oh. okies. dun tempt me next time kaes. hahaha.

i m looking forward yet not for my thailand trip.

i m feeling very distant from u. what happened to u.

i hope i hope i hope i will see u.

2006-12-04T00:42:00.000+08:00

there is training tmr! =) it's kinda my last two trainings before i go off. and i m missing 3 water trainings. =(

my stamina still not there on friday. =( but will work hard de! yeah! love swim swim swim. =)

went to my auntie's house ytd. heard quite a no. of things. ehs. have no comments though. i tink is complicated. no. it should be very complicated. haiz. but i think for me, no matter wad my parents have done, i would still support them when i grew up. i mean, they are my parents afterall. but well, i would say maybe is cos i never have really really nasty parents, so i wouldnt know how it feels.

studied with sebas today. saw jing yi and qian qian when we were studying. and i m totally addicted to that adorable kid. he is so so so so cute. love kids so much. i dun understand why pple say they dun like kids. love hugging them, playing with them, pinching them. lol.

i bought an addidas shirt! it's very cheap larhs. and it's so nice. and my parents want me to wear only when we go bangkok. -_-| i was tinking of wearing it soon. and my parents were like, ok. u shall wear this shirt when we take the plane to bangkok. -_____________-|||||||

the swimmers are going balcony tmr!!!!!!! i cant go =((((((( my parents are kinda unhappy when i hang out too much last week and fell sick. so no going out for me.
=((((( i wanna go out!!!!!!!!!!!!!! with the swimmers!!!!!!!!!!!! sad. hais. balcony!!! hais. hope they have fun tmr!

i have that gut feeling that i will feel distant after the trip. i duno. i m damn scared. i dun wan this to happen. they mean alot to me. if that were to happen, i would rather not go bangkok at all. and my gut feeling is always right. no. i dun wan.

i m enjoying that kind of special feeling, attention that u always give me. maybe is that i m tinking too much. but i really really hope that things stay on this way. at least dun wake me up from those dreams.

2006-11-30T22:22:00.000+08:00

i miss someone who is overseas again.

hais. such a coincidence that u are always overseas when i feel really down and could only tell you that thing as u r the only person who knows and understand. i miss that call ytd. i wanna talk to u! =(

still wondering if i shld go training tmr or not. my illness kinda manifest. and i dun wanna take the cough mixture nor the flu medicine. cos it causes drowsiness. >.<

how i wish i m away now too. i dun wish to face up to this hurting reality.

i thought all along, u have accepted wad i m. but apparently i m wrong. i guess everything shall end here and i will not let myself get lost in the tunnel. i will find my way out. and get distant. thanks for the many memories....

sick.

2006-11-29T22:03:00.000+08:00

i will never ever take wine/alcohol ever again. hangover sucks like hell. i guess i m such a lousy drinker. and i drank so little larhs. but still i wont ever dare to take it again.

MOS party was pretty alright. i love rachel's bracelet. yupps. gonna get it in thailand. but the music kinda sucks at some point of time. but quite fun overall. it's the people who are there that matters. =) spent the whole night with the swimmers. and glendon acted like a drunkard again cos he was so tired. lol. the public in the night is pretty iriitating though. i love heart to heart talks with the swimmers. and hope to give a great bday party to ivan. and glendon proved that he should be in the organising committee. lol.

bbq ytd. hmmm. pretty alright too. but yeah. i learnt my lesson regarding taking alcohol. now, i dun understand why pple like to drink. >.< ms sue's fried rice was so nice. hees. and in demand too.

today's training, to me, sucks like hell. i kinda underperformed. but kinda expected it. cos it has been so long since i m in water. and the hangover kinda got me pretty emotional and tired. but i MUST SWIM WELLL!!!!!! my 50m sucks like hell.

glendon! i wont get into top 8 on your behalf! u have to get into top 8 urself kaes? at least try! let's get into top 8 together~~ thanks for always encouraging me =)) and u must encouraged urself too! yeah. jiayou!

and right after training, fever came. kinda expected. cos i felt pretty sick this morning already. but wanna go swim cos so long never feel water already. sore throat sucks. cos it makes swallowing food so hard. yeeks.

my dear ms sue is going off again. i m gonna miss her~

sometimes i wonder, will we go beyond friends? kinda confused. cos i still feel that we are from two different worlds. i dun wan to break up this strong frenship that we have. perhaps it's better if things stay this way.

work.

2006-11-25T23:04:00.000+08:00

actually, i enjoyed work now. duno why the change of attitude. and actually look forward to going there everyday. perhaps things are better when there are no comparison. it doesnt make u feel inferior, feel awkward, feel left out. really. i feel so much happier at work now. but too bad. i m quiting soon. and nothing can hold me back.

i dun like it when guys like to beat arnd the bush. neither do i like guys who just say " i like blah blah blah" and change the target the next day. omg. i wonder how's ur gf gonna take it. i mean if u like someone, jus say it. dun beat arnd the bush. ok. there is a shy factor involved. but i thought guys should be more initiative.

i m so looking forward to tmr. cos it's MOS PARTY tmr! yeah. PARTY. and my dearest darling ms sue is coming back. YEAH! miss her loads loads loads. =D

perhaps i exaggerated the matter. but it jus kinda pissed me off when u acted like so not initiative. i mean. i thought. u should be the most initiative of all. and not push the work arnd.

i m dead tired from work. i was so hyper till i kinda like wanna die at arnd 8 sumth. somemore i did dining today. how great. >.<

yawns.

i love that top. hees. shall post pictures of it soon~

2006-11-24T22:42:00.000+08:00

i shldnt have come online and see somethings that are not meant to be seen.

i chose to believe my heart and not my logical mind. and fell down again. i have told myself not to believe my heart, cos it wld only bring u hurt in the end. and here i m. back to the same old path bcos i chose to believe my heart again.. it was light b4 i enter this tunnel. tinking that i cld find another paradise once i find the way out of this tunnel. but as i walked in further, i realised, that i m cheated once again. and i have lost the sense of direction and cld not make out where did i come from. neither could i find the way out.

trapped once again.

i guessed only one person in the world understands wad i m talking about. but she is not in singapore now. cld u come back soon?

but perhaps this time, the path is shorter cos i din follow my heart blindly. i noe, it wld only bring hurt in the end. i hope to get out of this tunnel soon. i wanna find my way out.

why are u so foolish to follow ur heart when u noe very clearly that u will get hurt once again.

it hurts when u realised that u cant even trust that heart of urs.

2006-11-24T00:00:00.000+08:00

yeah! THE SWIMMERS ARE BACK! and there is training tmr. but it's recovery sets. tink i wont be doing the sets. since i aint at the camp. but perhaps some usual sets. see hw bahs. but tmr ms sue wont be there. wonder where is she now. hmmm. maybe she will see jiehan in china. hahas.

but there is work tmr too. SIGHS. ok. nvm. last 3rd day. but i dun wanna do dining. cos it's very very sians. extremely can. and somemore i dun understand why they recruited like SIX workers and still want me and ms sue to work on weekends. diaos. jus let them take our place lahs.

and went shopping with ms sue, rachel and tawan on tues. wow. we have a fabulous shopping trip man. and though we shopped for like 8 hrs, we still want MORE! and well, i m so in love with that top from ZARA can. should i buy or not. i have yet to make up my mind yet. but it's so ex. but the top is seriously nice. ok. but mayb not. i duno why. when i saw it again today, i felt that it's different.

and tuition is cancelled today. hell. cant he tell me earlier. den at least i can go shop with wanting today. stupid can. make me rush back from wisma and say cancel. grrr.

and the stupid kenny rogers haven give me my pay yet!!!!!!!!!! i m so bloody angry about it can. wad stupid company is that.

i saw someone today. i duno if that sorry on ur nick ytd was referring to me or not. but well, i really hoped that we could have a talk. i mean. i m really disappointed by that phone call that day. it's like, u jus dun care. i m really disappointed. very.

and to zhiwei. duno if u will c this or not. but sorry for not meeting u. i tink u r angry bahs. it's jus my schedule is pretty packed. wait till i quit this stupid job. and will c u soon kaes. dun get angry lahs. =D *smiles* since u once said about the "happiness" thing, dun be angry and dun ignore me can. cos there will be no more happiness. ok. if u get wad i mean.

should i get that top???? hmmm.

2006-11-19T22:25:00.000+08:00

for once, i feel like going for a camp so much.
in the past, i used to hate camps.
but not now.
sadly, i m not going for SLC.
shouldn't have given in to my parents about this trip.
sighs.

i wanna go for the camp. ='( ms sue wanna go too. should have asked if we cld go for one day only, the "not in bintan" day. sighs.

ate alot today. =(

i shall not tink so much. that's bad for health.

but i m still scared of wad i may face after _ _ _

2006-11-19T00:11:00.000+08:00

i feel so awful now.

feel like quiting my work right away.
it's jus i dun feel like dd this to ms wong.
that's the only th that is holding me back.

now i know the reason.
and whenever i tink of it
it jus trigger that kind of tears.
perhaps ths wld be better if i cld jus hate the whole world.

dun be too nice to me. i m not worth it. let me hate the whole world.

当我很想恨全世界时
你让我觉得也许这世界也不至于那么绝望
但那只会让我觉得更痛苦
因为我不知应该爱或恨

YEAH =)

2006-11-17T23:28:00.000+08:00

leadership convention was BORING.but lunch with swimmers were nice! lunch at NEW YORK NEW YORK was nice! though i din really try the nice nice food.(oh well, there goes my 0.5kg AGAIN) but i kinda love that place yahs. though country mana was tempting too. hahs. oh no. i cant carry on eating like that. tsk tsk.

oh and ms sue told me that dd squats can cause u STUNTED GROWTH. omg. i dun wanna become shorter. and somemore i increased the wt of my squats to 35.5 kg. omg. i wanna if i got become shorter. uh oh. and my thighs are aching like hell now. painful. >.<

casino royale was nice. except it's too long. and wad ivan did was seriously shocking. and yeah yeah. i hope ths wld get better btw ...... =D

i guessed i somehw know hw are u feeling le. u see no point in maintaining that kinda feelings we used to have. u jus gave me an excuse which i totally. hais. i duno wad to say. u chose to meet up with other pple and say u have no mood for me. i guessed well, if u see no point in it, i wont hold on to it. i m not that desperate for it anyway.

i cant wait to tell ms sue someth can. and oh. jus few minutes ago, i dread tmr SO MUCH. cos we cant work together. she will be over at marine cove and i will be at suntec. wad stupid shit is that. i was like cursing like hell. but saw her msg that she will be working at suntec tmr! YEAH! love her to bits. den we can talk when there are no customers! hum dee dum. and i hope our shopping trip is not cancelled. =D

i m falling deeper and deeper. that's pretty bad isnt it.

i dun wanna gain weight. just that few kg, pls let me lose it for goodness sake.

problems unsolved.

2006-11-16T22:28:00.000+08:00

i m numb towards the prob nw. that kinda feelings are not really there now. but i dun wish for it too. yupps. perhaps ths are happier this way.

somehw, i kinda dislike some pple in my work nw. really dislike. haiz. jus few weeks more, and yes, i will get rid of them. kinda irritated by some of them. yucks. wadever. i shall jus live life my way and not bother bout them. bleahz.

today's gym session was the nicest session i ever had. =D cos we had sharing session too. hum dee dum. hees.

my dearest ms sue is always so shy. tsk tsk.

actually this qn has been troubling me for quite long i wld say. but well, i know clearly wad i wan nw and my priorities.

我不敢陷进去,因为那种感觉很痛苦
但是我很清楚也明白,我总会有得面对自己的感觉的一天,
总有一天我会无法自拔,
不由自主地跟着感觉走...
坦白地说,
我很怕那天...
现在的我,只能用一个借口来反驳自己的感受....

would miss the swimmers when they are away for SLC. =( and my dearest ms sue will be overseas too. :((((

actually, i m afraid of something too. hais.

and now, i will try to achieve that goal. cos someone said it. =)

everyone will disappear next week. not fun. and zhiwei, u better be free next week larhs. though i cant go and eat. cos not a lot of training. =((( but u better be free. or else i will kill u! hahahahaha. muahahaha. bleahz.

escaping from reality.

2006-11-12T00:04:00.000+08:00

i dun understand wad happened btw us that caused ths to turn out this way. we were so close b4 that and u chose to turn away at this pt of time when we really cld get together and spend every moment under the sun.

and yet. u gave me a cold shoulder that left me felt that i m really at my wits' end. i messaged u. u nv replied. u shld noe hw sensitive i m towards such stuff, you especially. i told u once b4 about it.

wad exactly happened? i jus wan an ans. and after that, i wld give up and live life our own way. and let every happy moment that happened b4 be a history. but at least, i dun wan it to end when nothing has happened. wad has happened except that incident.but in the first place, why mus u bother so much about the incident when u noe nth about the real story.

u noe hw hurting it is when u chose to talk to someone about ur feelings instead of telling me straightaway. and i have to rely on that someone to noe hw u feel.

i have no courage to call. cos i dunnoe wad to say shld u pick up the phone. m i supposed to act as if everyth is fine and let's meet or shld i jus say everyth straight in ur face. i duno. i really duno. cos u chose not to tell me anyth.

looking at that key that u left behind, i really duno wad to do. the words on the keychain was exactly wad i wished to say. but i have no courage to say. but in the first place, is there such a need for those words. when nth has went wrong in the first place.

all i cld say is

from the very beginning. i have told u that i felt very lucky to have u by my side.
and nw is the same. but u left me.

so to me, i feel that living everyday is such a torture cos i still duno wad exactly happened and wanna noe but have no courage to. i have been trying to escape from reality. but when i woke up, nth has changed. and that hurts more.

i just wan an explanation. that's all. and if there is a need, we will just go our own way in the furture. and i wont bother u anymore.

sakae sushi!! yummy!!

2006-11-09T17:05:00.000+08:00

swimming training on tues nearly killed me. but well. it's pretty consoling when i cld hit the timing. but feel kinda sad that i starts to lag by alot behind. and i m trying to go faster. only to realise that i m v tired and is compensating it by increasing stroke frequency which makes matter worse.

but thanks glen and rachel for the encouragement. i seriously feel like giving up after the second set of two tiring sets each. but realised that i shldnt since i have such encouraging mates arnd. really thanks. and i feel really bad about someth. really really bad. all i cld say is SORRY. i m really sorry about it.

on the other hand, sakae sushi on tues was yummy. except for the fact that carol and the chauffeur make our table so popular. why? cos we made alot of noise!

thanks to both of them keep bickering,the pple behind us keep looking at us. hahs. and even the trainee supervisor laughed at what they were dd. squeezing each other out of the table, only to realise that carol cld not be squeezed out cos she is sitting inside. there is no space to squeeze her out.

den ehs. i felt full after the second plate can. stupid. when i felt so hungry b4 that lor. so ehs. i tried to squeeze rice in btw the plates. but the manager saw it when they clear our plates. uh oh. but their service is damn bad can. our plates put until so so so so high, they still dun wanna clear. oh and then carol came up with an idea, to squeeze the rice into the cans of drinks. and i laugh like hell for that.but we really manage to squeeze it in. hahahahas. opps. okies. the next time when i go sakae, wld be when i reach my ideal weight. den no needa waste the rice le. hees.

and yeah, guys shldnt giggle kaes. cos it's really damn funny when i heard it. i laugh till i pengs like siaos.

and carol. jus wanna say. ok. this is random. but hor. i feel pretty bad that when we go out, u and chauffeur is always paying extra. i tink i owe u alot of money. >.<

i wanna buy clothes. but i scared of wasting money. cos i m gg thailand anyway. no use wasting money here. but i wan clothes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and op ytd was pretty alright! =) at least the q and a wasnt really screwed. but really. though i may really hate PW sometimes, still i wanna say
MY PW MEMBERS ROCKS!

cos they are always there if someth crops up.dun leave me there trying to tink of solutions when i cant handle it.

they are cooperative. they get their work done. though sometimes it maybe delayed, but those are exceptions. really cooperative. =)

everyone contributes their share of work. =)

though our idea is really hard to work on, we manage to survive and did it =))

and many more.

xin an- the mac guy. the oversleeper. the one whose hair is 10cm tall. lol.
si xuan- the one who loves my hse pillow alot.
yawen- thanks for always helping me!!!! the greatest secretary ever. always efficient.*muackx*
xiao yong- the one who wakes xin an up and put his braces at the wrong time. hahs. sry wor. make ur teeth bleed. i m really sorry about it kaes. *smiles*

so i was telling others. let me tell u a story of my typical PW meeting.

meeting time: 8.00am at aljunied control.
me: xin an where r u?
xa: ehs. at city hall.
me: really. ok. den we wait for eu.
xa: no dun need.i will go ur hse myself.
me: why. three more stops only mahs.
xa: huhs. dun wait for me lahs. i go myself.

after one hr. he reached. so the morale of the story. he is not at city hall.

den at my hse.

xuan: PILLOW!
me: no. dun give. later u slp.
xuan: u dun give me is it.
she will uses all those tactics that i m scared of.
me: ok. give u.

there is once when she took my pigg away too. poor piggy.

and so.
ZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzz.
yawns
ZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZ

me: WAKE UP!

hahs. actually i love all these typical PW meetings. though it may be pretty slack sometimes, it brings back wonderful and fond memories. =) thanks my PW MEMBERS. and for bearing with me this one yr. i noe, i get pretty unreasonable sometimes. SORRY.

and my vege meal ytd was cancelled. cos xy and xa were pretty tired. sobs. my vege meal. and xuan's face was very funny when it was cancelled. and my gym session was hurried through. thanks to xuan. hahs.

ok. and mr ravi cancelled the tuition today. sighs of relief. cos i totally duno hw to do the schling system hmwk and am trying very hard to do it kaes.

and ehs. i tink sharon wld be damn pissed off with me regarding my work schedule. ok. i shall not be so bad already. let her plan bahs.

sinful muffins.

2006-11-05T00:05:00.001+08:00

SINFUL MUFFINS.

sobs. there goes my 0.5 kg. ='( i hope i could lose it tmr. i need consistent training to lose weight. but next week. not much training though. ='( eh. and next week i wanna eat sakae?! oh no. sobs.

i find that losing wt is getting harder and harder cos as wad ms sue said. when ur weight gets lesser, it's harder to lose. more sobs.

i WILL never be tempted by those muffins again.

GRR. i m still angry at myself for being tempted by it. bleah.

oh and thanks IVAN for coming dwn to eat lunch with me and ms sue. it's practically jus eating lunch with us and say buai buai after that. hahs. JUST LUNCH and farewell. but heehee. tadeedah. hamdeedum. the baked rice is quite nice. opps. another sinful event.

i tink today i ate very sinfully. i shall go back to bread diet again tmr. i hope.

and yah. today i found out huiling is actually from CHUNG CHENG. hahs. so coincidence. no wonder both of us found each other so familiar. and yah. saw some old classmates. and wanted to tel ms sue someth. but she always missed it.

and i wanted to tel ms sue someth. but cldnt find the time to talked to her. the queue. is so long today.

argh. i hate the muffins nw. humph!

yawns. not productive this week at all.

sinful muffins.

2006-11-05T00:05:00.000+08:00

losing self- esteem

2006-11-02T23:25:00.000+08:00

i m kinda feel like giving up on all those things that i have worked hard for. it yield no results. it yield no attention. sometimes, i wld admit that i m quite an attention seeker. but i found that i have decided to turn inward instead. perhaps that wld be better.

i dun feel like blogging more about wad i m feeling nw. cos no one wld understand anyway.

but there is one thing that i certainly wanna blog by today. that is to say THANKS to Shuhan, Yvonne, Glendon and Ivan for coming down today. it's really really sweet and we really appreciate it. we kinda looked forward to seeing u all so much today! yeah! thanks alot. sometimes, it's just this little actions that matter. =) and good luck to all swimmers taking chinese tmr! jiayou!

as for those complicated feelings, guess i will just slp and try to forget about it. though it's really hard.

and i dun feel strong for swimming anymore. my arms and legs hurt. due to the many cramps that happened on wednesday, my legs cant kick so well anymore.my timing is deproving. discouraging. and i have lost all the confidence, self- esteem, motivation and wadever u called it to make urself wanna go further and faster. cos sometimes, life makes u feel that there is no pt carrying on this way anymore.

EMPTY.

i wanna kip myself busy.

2006-10-30T22:16:00.000+08:00

i met her today. but we have nth to say to each other. but deep in my heart, i wanna say, " gal, i still cherish this friendship" but currently my schedule is quite packed and uncertain. so i really duno when i cld date her out. hais.

i love my PW members more and more. actually i m glad to have these PW members with me this year. all r v cooperative and crappy. hahs. but yeah. gonna bear with my mood sumtimes. sorry! but i look forward to the END OF OP. and the vege meal after that. hees.

yeah! work starts tmr. i m kinda excited. but scared too. hopes everyth turns out well tmr.

i ate a heavy dinner today. well. i have been surviving on bread only for the past few days. cant resist the temptations anymore. opps. i guessed i will put on weight again. >.<

cld we have more trainings. den my weight wld decrease. yay! hees.

and really sorry to jy. as i withdraw from the sports leadership camp. cos my parents dun approve of me gg to Bintam. sorry. argh. i really forgt. sorry.

gym tmr! but i dun like the buildup of muscle mass. it's v heavy. >.<